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Thread: The Jokes Thread Re-Booted

  1. #1
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    The Jokes Thread Re-Booted

    An almost clean Italian joke!

    Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven.

    At the Pearly Gates, they are met by St. Peter.

    He says, 'Sisters, you all led such exemplary lives that the Lord is granting you six months to go back to earth and be anyone you wish to be.

    The first nun says, 'I want to be Sophia Loren;' And *poof* she's gone.

    The second says, 'I want to be Madonna and *poof* she's gone.

    The third says, 'I want to be Sara Pipalini..'

    St. Peter looks perplexed. 'Who?' he asks.

    'Sara Pipalini' replies the nun.

    St.Peter shakes his head and says, 'I'm sorry, but that name just doesn't ring a bell.'

    The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St. Peter.

    St. Peter reads the paper and starts laughing. He hands it back to her and says ... 'No sister, the paper says it was the 'Sahara Pipeline' that was laid by 1,400 men in 6 months.'


    If you laugh, you're going straight to hell!

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    Life in the Australian Army...

    Text of a letter from a kid from Eromanga to Mum and Dad. (For Those of you not in the know, Eromanga is a small town, west of Quilpie in the far south west of Queensland)


    Dear Mum & Dad,

    I am well. Hope youse are too. Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that the Army is better than workin' on the farm - tell them to get in bloody quick smart before the jobs are all gone! I wuz a bit slow in settling down at first, because ya don't hafta get outta bed until 6am. But I like sleeping in now, cuz all ya gotta do before brekky is make ya bed and shine ya boots and clean ya uniform. No bloody cows to milk, no calves to feed, no feed to stack - nothin'!! Ya haz gotta shower though, but its not so bad, coz there's lotsa hot water and even a light to see what ya doing!

    At brekky ya get cereal, fruit and eggs but there's no kangaroo steaks or possum stew like wot Mum makes. You don't get fed again until noon and by that time all the city boys are buggered because we've been on a 'route march' - geez its only just like walking to the windmill in the back paddock!!

    This one will kill me brothers Doug and Phil with laughter. I keep getting medals for shootin' - dunno why. The bullseye is as big as a bloody possum's bum and it don't move and it's not firing back at ya like the Johnsons did when our big scrubber bull got into their prize cows before the Ekka last year! All ya gotta do is make yourself comfortable and hit the target - it's a piece of ****!! You don't even load your own cartridges, they comes in little boxes, and ya don't have to steady yourself against the rollbar of the roo shooting truck when you reload!

    Sometimes ya gotta wrestle with the city boys and I gotta be real careful coz they break easy - it's not like fighting with Doug and Phil and Jack and Boori and Steve and Muzza all at once like we do at home after the muster.
    Turns out I'm not a bad boxer either and it looks like I'm the best the platoon's got, and I've only been beaten by this one bloke from the Engineers - he's 6 foot 5 and 15 stone and three pick handles across the shoulders and as ya know I'm only 5 foot 7 and eight stone wringin' wet, but I fought him till the other blokes carried me off to the boozer.

    I can't complain about the Army - tell the boys to get in quick before word gets around how bloody good it is.

    Your loving daughter,

    Sheila

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    A few quick liners:

    Son: “Dad, we’re learning about prisms at school. They’re fascinating.”

    Dad: “That’s good son, because as a dyslexic black boy, you’re bound to end up in one.”


    Paddy decides to take up boxing and goes for the required medical. A few days later the doctor ‘phones and says “Paddy, you realise you’ve got sugar diabetes.”

    Paddy says, “Nice one, when do I fight him?”


    It was hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey Cokey. But I’ve turned myself around and that’s what it’s all about.


    Little boy gets home from school and says "Dad, I've got a part in the school play as a man who's been married for 25 years."

    His Dad replies "Never mind Son. Maybe next time you'll get a speaking part!!"


    A dwarf goes to a very good but very busy doctor and asks "I know you are busy but do you treat dwarves?"

    The doctor replies "Yes, but you will have to be a little patient".


    In hindsight I should have posted my Facebook status as: "I've blown the head gasket on my 1997 XR3i" rather than "I've just buggered a 14 year old escort".

    The police still haven't seen the funny side, my lap top's been confiscated, and the wife has gone off to her mother.

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    Ha ha ha Spiral

    An excellent funny. JP

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    DIFFERENT WAYS OF LOOKING AT THINGS

    Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and family values. Bill said, 'I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?' Larry replied, 'I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?'

    A little boy went up to his father and asked: 'Dad, where did my intelligence come from?' The father replied. 'Well, son, you must have got it from your mother, cause I still have mine.'

    'Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully,' the Divorce Court Judge said, 'And I've decided to give your wife 775 a week,' 'That's very fair, your honor,' the husband said. 'And every now and then I'll try to send her a few pounds myself.'

    A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency Room, took the husband aside, and said, 'I don't like the looks of your wife at all.' 'Me neither doc,' said the husband. 'But she's a great cook and really good with the kids.'

    An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years. The Wizard says, 'Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you.' The old man says without hesitation, 'I now pronounce you man and wife.'

    Moe: 'My wife got me to believe in religion.' Joe: 'Really?' Moe: 'Yeah. Until I married her I didn't believe in Hell.'

    A man is recovering from surgery when the Surgical Nurse appears and asks him how he is feeling. 'I'm O.K. But I didn't like the four letter-words the doctor used in surgery,' he answered. 'What did he say?' asked the nurse. 'Oops!' said the man ...

    While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so I sought my husband's advice. 'What do you think?' I asked. 'Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one? ''Better get a bikini,' he replied. 'You'd never get it all in one.' He's still in intensive care ...

    The graveside service just barely finished, when there was a massive clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance. The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, 'Well, she's there.' …

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    Vraiment trs drle ...! je vous laisse en juger. (Really funny ...! I’ll let you judge.)

    True story reported by an English guy who was stopped and asked to give a breathaliser test.

    The English guy lives near Le Bugue in the Dordogne and at the time he was stopped he was as pis*ed as a fart...

    The gendarme signals to him to wind down the window then asks him if he has been drinking, and with a slurring speech the English guy replies:

    'Yes, this morning I was at my (hic)..daughter's wedding, and as I don't like church much I went to the cafe opposite and had several beers.' 'Then during the wedding banquet I seem to remember downing three great bottles of wine; (hic)... a corbieres, a Minervois and (hic)...a Faugeres.' 'Then to finish off during the celebrations.... and (hic) during the evening ...me and my mate downed two bottles of Johnny Walker's black label.'

    Getting impatient the gendarme warns him:

    'Do you understand I'm a policeman and have stopped you for an alcohol test'?

    The Englishman with a grin on his face replies:

    'Do you understand that I'm English, and so is my car, and that my wife is sitting in the other seat, at the steering wheel?'

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    Subject: Winter Fuel Allowance

    About this time of the year, older taxpayers will again be receiving another 'Winter Fuel' payment.
    This is indeed a very exciting programme and I'll explain it by using a Q & A format:

    Q. What is a 'Winter Fuel' payment ?
    A. It is money the government will send to taxpayers.

    Q. Where will the government get this money ?
    A. From taxpayers.

    Q. So the government is giving me back my own money ?
    A. Only a smidgen of it.

    Q. What is the purpose of this payment ?
    A. The plan is for you to use the money to purchase gas and electricity...or a high-definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy.

    Q. But isn't that stimulating the economy of China?
    A. Shut up.

    Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the U.K. Economy by spending your 'Winter Fuel' cheque wisely:

    * If you spend the money at Asda or Tesco, the money will go to China, Taiwan or Sri Lanka

    * If you spend it on petrol your money will go to the Arabs

    * If you purchase a computer it will go to India, Taiwan or China

    * If you purchase fruit and vegetables it will go to Mexico, Honduras and Guatemala

    * If you buy an efficient car it will go to Japan or Korea

    * If you purchase useless stuff it will go to Taiwan

    * If you pay off your credit cards or buy shares, it will go to management bonuses and they will hide it offshore.

    Instead, keep the money in the UK by:

    1. Spending it at car boot sales
    2. Going to night clubs
    3. Spending it on prostitutes
    4. Buying beer or whisky
    5. Getting yourself a tattoo
    6. Visiting a bookie

    (These are the only UK businesses still operating in the U.K. )

    Conclusion: Be patriotic - go to a night club with a tattooed prostitute that you met at a car boot sale and drink beer day and night !

    No need to thank me...just glad I could be of help.

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    There comes a time in all of our lives when we just have to say: "bugger off" like you Brits do and
    laugh our a$$ off like an American going broke...which we are. They sure can't eat you, but they know how to suck the life out of you...if you let them.




    THE CHURCH ORGANIST

    There was a small church in Texas that had a very big-busted organist.

    Her breasts were so huge that they inadvertently bounced and jiggled the entire time she played the organ. Unfortunately, she distracted most of the congregation considerably, both male and female.

    The very proper church ladies were appalled.

    They said something had to be done about this or they would have to get another organist.

    So, one of the ladies approached her, very discreetly, and told her to mash up some green persimmons and rub them on the nipples of her breasts and maybe they would shrink in size, but warned her to not eat any of the green persimmons, 'because they are so sour they will make your mouth pucker up and you won't be able to talk properly for a week!

    The perky organist agreed to try rubbing the persimmons on her nipples.

    The following Sunday morning the minister got up in the pulpit and said... "Dew to thircumsthanthis bewond my contwol, we will not haff a thermon tewday". ...



    Have you ever thought about your relationship and how the fight got started?


    CHRISTMAS GIFTS

    One year, husband decided to buy his mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a
    Christmas gift.
    The next year, he didn't buy her a gift.
    When she asked him why, he replied,
    "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
    And that's how the fight started...
    TELEVISION GAME SHOWS

    My wife and I are watching “Who Wants To Be A Millionaire” while we were in
    bed.

    I turned to her and said,
    'Do you want to have Sex?'
    'No,' she answered.
    I then said: 'Is that your final answer'?
    She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying …‘Yes.'
    So I said: 'Then I'd like to phone a friend.'
    And that's when the fight started...
    DINING OUT
    I took my wife to a Restaurant.

    The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
    'I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please..'
    He said: 'Aren't you worried about the mad cow'?
    'Nah, she can order for herself.'
    And that's when the fight started...
    EVENING WATCHING TV

    My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping the channels.
    She asked, 'What's on TV?'
    I said, 'Dust.'
    And then the fight started…
    ANNIVERSARY GIFTS

    My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary..
    She said: 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 200 in about 3 seconds.'
    I bought her a scale.
    And then the fight started...

    THE HIGH SCHOOL CLASS REUNION
    My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she
    kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.
    I asked her: 'Do you know him?'
    'Yes,' she sighed,
    'He's my old boyfriend... I understand he took to drinking right after we
    split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since.'

    'My God!' - I said,
    'Who would think a person would be celebrating that long?'
    And then the fight started...

    THE BROKEN LAWN MOWER


    When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that
    I should get it fixed.
    But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first --- the
    truck, the car, playing golf. There was always something more important for me to occupy my time.
    Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.
    When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily
    snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a
    short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when
    I came out again I handed her a toothbrush.
    I said: 'When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway.'
    The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.*****

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  25. #13
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    Very cheeky Sparky

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    If you fall, i`ll be there.

    - floor

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    A lawyer and a senior citizen are sitting next to each other on a long flight. The lawyer is thinking that seniors are so dumb that he could get one over on them easily. So, the lawyer asks if the senior would like to play a fun game.

    The senior is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and tries to catch a few winks.

    The lawyer persists, saying that the game is a lot of fun...."I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5.00. Then you ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00," he says.

    This catches the senior's attention and, to keep the lawyer quiet, he agrees to play the game.

    The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the Earth to the Moon?"

    The senior doesn't say a word, but reaches into his pocket, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.

    Now, it's the senior's turn. He asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?"

    The lawyer uses his laptop to search all references he can find on the Net. He sends E-mails to all the smart friends he knows; all to no avail. After an hour of searching, he finally gives up.

    He wakes the senior and hands him $500.00. The senior pockets the $500.00 and goes right back to sleep.

    The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes the senior up and asks, "Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?"

    The senior reaches into his pocket, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.

    Don't mess with seniors!

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