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Thread: The Jokes Thread Re-Booted

  1. #121
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    Quote Originally posted by SiriArc View Post
    ???

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  3. #122
    Junior Member markoid's Avatar
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    SEX AT 82!


    I just took a leaflet out of my mailbox, informing me that I can have sex at 82!


    I'm sooooo happy, because I live at 73 ... so it's not far to walk home afterwards!

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  5. #123
    Junior Member markoid's Avatar
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    I was in a restaurant yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to fart. The music was really, really loud, so I timed my farts with the beat of the music.

    After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my coffee, and noticed that everybody was staring at me....

    Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.

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  7. #124
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    Markoid! Your two posts are so funny. I burst out laughing at both of them and I'm still giggling as a I write.

    You're not smoking that Mullumbimby madness are you?

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  9. #125
    Junior Member markoid's Avatar
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    I'm glad they were giggle triggers for you Sooz.
    No, not smoking the Mullum madness... but I do have some suspect butter in the 'fridge

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  11. #126
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    On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new husband and asked For $20.00 for their first lovemaking encounter.

    In his highly aroused state, her husband readily agreed. This scenario was repeated each time they made love, for more than 40 years, with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that she needed.

    Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state. During the next few minutes, he explained that his employer was going through a process of corporate downsizing, and he had been let go.

    It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he'd be able to find another position that paid anywhere near what he'd been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined.

    Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which showed more than forty years of steady deposits and interest totaling nearly $1 million. Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued by the bank which was worth over $2 million, and informed him that they were one of the largest depositors in the bank.

    She explained that for more than three decades she had 'charged' him for sex, these holdings had multiplied and these were the results of her savings and investments.

    Faced with evidence of cash and investments worth over $3 million, her husband was so astounded he could barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out: 'If I'd had any idea what you were doing, I would have given you all my business!'

    That's when she shot him.

    You know, sometimes, men just don't know when to keep their mouths shut!

    Women are like phones: They like to be held, talked to, and touched often. But push the wrong button and your ass is disconnected!



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  13. #127
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  15. #128
    Junior Member markoid's Avatar
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    A husband and wife were out shopping, it got boring visiting 100 shoe shops with 50% discount (as it does) so they split to do their own browsing.

    A bit later the wife called the husband, "Hey, where are you?"
    "Well, you know when we got engaged?"
    "Yeah."
    "...And I wasn't able to afford a large ring because I didn't have a good job at the time. And you remember how we were looking at rings, and I said that one day I'll buy you that large pink-tinted one?
    "Yes." Her hands start trembling as she tries to steady the phone...
    "And do you remember that shop I saw that very ring in?"
    "Yes!" Tears are now streaming down her cheeks.
    "Well I'm in the pub across the road."

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  17. #129
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    Quote Originally posted by markoid View Post
    I'm glad they were giggle triggers for you Sooz.
    No, not smoking the Mullum madness... but I do have some suspect butter in the 'fridge
    Edit........doesn't matter
    Last edited by Sooz, 16th June 2014 at 12:38.

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  19. #130
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  21. #131
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    Got me own recipe for tea now....

    te he, he, he

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  23. #132
    Junior Member markoid's Avatar
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    An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.
    The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow." The next day the
    85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.
    The doctor asked, what happened and the man explained.
    "Well, doc, it's like this--first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing."
    The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?"
    The old man replied, "Yep, none of us could get the jar open."

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  25. #133
    Junior Member markoid's Avatar
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    When I die, I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.
    Not screaming in terror, like his passengers!

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  27. #134
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    HOW TO CATCH A POLAR BEAR
    1. Cut a large hole in the ice
    2. Sprinkle some peas all around the hole
    3. Then when the Bear comes up to take a pea
    KICK HIM IN THE ICE HOLE!
    ~~ One foot in the Ancient World and the other in the Now ~~
    ~~ 'cuse me while I kiss the sky... Jimi Hendrix ~~
    ~~ Never stop looking for what's not there ~~
    ~~ Our past is just a story we tell ourselves ~~

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  29. #135
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    Skippy the bush kangaroo has come forward today after years of silence......

    She says not only did Rolf Harris tie her down but the dirty ******* went on to write a song about it.

    (There is a pic that goes with this, showing a haggard old roo with a stubby of beer by her side, lol).

    Gotta love Ozzy humour, (or maybe not, lol...)

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