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Thread: The Jokes Thread Re-Booted

  1. #106
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  3. #107
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    IDIOT SIGHTING ADDENDUM

    My next door neighbour recently had a complete new kitchen installed.

    Firstly, the Installers fitted the cooker and installed the main switch beside and lower than the level of the cooker.

    Then they fitted a multi-cabinet next to the cooker, so when the Householder closed the cutlery draw, it switched off the cooker ...!!

    You just couldn't make it up

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  5. #108
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    A guy named David received a parrot for his birthday. The parrot was fully grown, with a bad attitude and worse vocabulary. Every other word was an expletive. Those that weren't expletives were, to say the least, rude. David tried hard to change the bird's attitude and was constantly saying polite words, playing soft music, anything he could think of to try and set a good example.

    Noting worked. He yelled at the bird and the bird yelled back. He shook the bird and the bird just got more angry and more rude. Finally, in a moment of desperation, David put the parrot in the freezer.

    For a few moments he heard the bird squawk and kick and scream. Then suddenly there was quiet. Not a sound for half a minute. David was frightened that he might have hurt the bird and quickly opened the freezer door. The parrot calmly stepped out onto David's extended arm and said, "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I will endeavor at once to correct my behavior. I really am truly sorry and beg your forgiveness."

    David was astonished at the bird's change in attitude and was about to ask what had made such a dramatic change when the parrot continued, "May I ask what the chicken did?"

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  7. #109
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    post this a link not a direct vid as the text is with course language so enter with that in mind.

    http://www.youtube.com/embed/Dl1i656Ja2I?rel=0

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  9. #110
    Senior Member Highland1's Avatar
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    Name:  IMG_6042785775677.jpg
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    Its a gloomy wet rainy misty day here in Yorkshire, a little mirth is needed...

    Russ
    "There can only be One Truth"

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  11. #111
    Tot Founder England The One's Avatar
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    LMAO LOL

    A man escapes from a prison where he’s been locked up for 15 years.
    He breaks into a house and inside, he finds a young couple in bed.
    He ties him to a chair. While tying the wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
    While he’s in there, the husband whispers over to his wife,
    “Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He’s probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn’t seen a woman in years.
    I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don’t resist, don’t complain. Do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he’ll kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you!”

    She responds: “He wasn’t kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he’s gay, thinks you’re cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you, too.”
    No one person can ever change the truth, but the truth, once learned, can and will change the person

    You must be the change you wish to see in the world when you are through changing, you are through


    theonetruth forum status theonetruth facebook

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  13. #112
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    --------------------------------------------------------


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  17. #114
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    Image removed due to prominent F word.
    Last edited by norman, 29th May 2014 at 14:28.

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  19. #115
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    For anyone who hasn't encountered a percussionist joke before:

    • How do you make a drummer keep playing? Glare at them and make frantic gestures indicating that they should stop.
    • Why are percussionists the only musicians who have no problems with 7/8 beats? Because they count: one-two-three-four-five-six-se-ven-one-two...
    • Did you hear about the time the bass player locked his keys in the car? Yeah, it took two hours to get the drummer out.
    • How can you tell a drummer's at the door? The knocking speeds up.
    • What do you call a drummer that breaks up with his girlfriend? Homeless.
    • What do you say to a drummer in a three-piece suit? "Will the defendant please rise?"
    • What is the difference between a drummer and a savings bond? One will mature and make money.
    • We know a guy who was so dumb his teacher gave him two sticks and he became a drummer, but lost one and became a conductor.

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  21. #116
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    10 Jokes Only Engineers Will Understand. Who Says Engineers Dont Have A Sense Of Humor?



    1. Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it.

    Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.


    2. To the optimist, the glass is half-full.
    To the pessimist, the glass is half-empty.
    To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

    3. A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!"
    The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!"
    The priest said, "Here comes the green-keeper. Let's have a word with him."
    He said, "Hello George, what's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"
    The green-keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind firemen. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."
    The group fell silent for a moment.
    The priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."
    The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything he can do for them."
    The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"

    4. What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers?
    Mechanical engineers build weapons. Civil engineers build targets.

    5. The graduate with a science degree asks, "Why does it work?"
    The graduate with an engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"
    The graduate with an accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"
    The graduate with an arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"

    6. Three engineering students were gathered together discussing who must have designed the human body.
    One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints."
    Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections."
    The last one said, "No, actually it had to have been a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"

    7. Knock knock. Who's there? Interrupting coefficient of friction. Interrupting coefficient of fri.... mmmuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu (μ)

    8. Two engineering students were walking across a university campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"
    The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."
    The first engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit you anyway."


    9. An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.
    The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you for one week and do ANYTHING you want."
    Again, the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.
    Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess and that I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"
    The engineer said, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool."

    10. A wife asks her husband, a software engineer...
    "Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk, and if they have eggs, get 6!" A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk. The wife asks him, "Why the hell did you buy 6 cartons of milk?" He replied, "They had eggs."

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  23. #117
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    Things are rarely the way they seem!

    Last edited by BabaRa, 20th May 2014 at 19:08.

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    Life is an attitude.

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  27. #119
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    A friend went to Beijing recently and was given this brochure by the hotel. It is precious. She is keeping it and reading it whenever she feels depressed. Obviously, it has been translated directly, word for word from Mandarin to English.

    Getting There:
    Our representative will make you wait at the airport. The bus to the hotel runs along the lake shore. Soon you will feel
    pleasure in passing water. You will know that you are getting near the hotel, because you will go round the bend. The
    manager will await you in the entrance hall. He always tries to have intercourse with all new guests.

    The Hotel:
    This is a family hotel, so children are very welcome. We of course are always pleased to accept adultery. Highly skilled
    nurses are available in the evenings to put down your children. Guests are invited to conjugate in the bar and expose
    themselves to others. But please note that ladies are not allowed to have babies in the bar. We organize social games,
    so no guest is ever left alone to play with them self.

    The Restaurant:
    Our menus have been carefully chosen to be ordinary and unexciting. At dinner, our quartet will circulate from table
    to table, and fiddle with you.

    Your Room:
    Every room has excellent facilities for your private parts. In winter, every room is on heat. Each room has a balcony
    offering views of outstanding obscenity! .. You will not be disturbed by traffic noise, since the road between the hotel
    and the lake is used only by pederasts.

    Bed:
    Your bed has been made in accordance with local tradition. If you have any other ideas please ring for the chambermaid.
    Please take advantage of her. She will be very pleased to squash your shirts, blouses and underwear. If asked, she will
    also squeeze your trousers.

    Above All:
    When you leave us at the end of your holiday, you will have no hope. You will struggle to forget it.

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