The Jokes Thread Re-Booted

[Altaira]

[norman]

Please remove if not appropriate:

[Altaira]

This is not a joke but I wasn't sure where it will fit better.

[Spiral]

A letter from Walmart

Dear Mrs. Woolf,

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Woolf, are listed below and are "documented by our video surveillance cameras":

1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5- minute intervals.

3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted in management getting involved causing management to lose time and costing the company money.

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to reserve a bag of chips.

6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers they could come in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department - to which twenty children obliged.

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' Emergency Medics were called.

9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose. 10. September

10: While handling guns in the Sports department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. October 3: Darted around the Store suspiciously while loudly humming the ' Mission Impossible' theme.

12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.

13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14. October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed the fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!

15. Took a box of condoms to the checkout clerk and asked where the fitting room was. And last, but not least:

16. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, and then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' One of the Staff passed out.

[Ria]

A letter from Walmart

It sounds a lot of fun being Mr Woolf.

[norman]

Lawyers should never ask a Georgia grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.

In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?' She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.'

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?'

She again replied, 'Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a
youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.'

The defense attorney nearly died.

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said,

'If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair.

[john parslow]

I THINK YOU’RE THE FATHER OF ONE OF MY KIDS!

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him. She says hello.

He is rather taken aback because he can’t place where he knows her from. So he says:

“Do you know me?”

To which she replies:

“I think you’re the father of one of my kids.”

Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and he says:

“My God are the stripper from the bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery?”

She looked into his eyes and said calmly:

No! I’m your son’s teacher …

[BabaRa]

A woman went to a pet shop and spotted a large, beautiful parrot.
There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00.

"Why so little?" she asked the pet store owner.
The owner looked at her and said, "Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of prostitution, and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff."

The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird anyway. She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something.

The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said,
"New house, new madam."

The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought "That's really not so bad."

When her two teenage daughters returned from school, the bird saw them and said, "New house, new madam, new girls."

The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation considering how and where the parrot had been raised.

Moments later, the woman's husband Keith came home from work.
The bird looked at him and said,

"Hi Keith."

[john parslow]

ALWAYS WEAR UNDERPANTS!

Always wear clean underwear in public, especially when working under your vehicle.

From the Daily Telegraph comes this story of a Sydney couple Who drove their car to Westfield Blacktown, only to have their car break down in the car park.

The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the Car.

The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car. On closer inspection, she saw a pair of hairy legs protruding from under the chassis.

Unfortunately, although the man was in shorts, his lack of nderpants turned his private parts into glaringly public ones..

Unable to stand the embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward, Quickly put her hand up his shorts, and tucked everything back into pace.

On regaining her feet, she looked across the bonnet and found herself staring at her husband who was standing idly by watching.

The AA mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his forehead ...

[Altaira]

[norman]

[ronin]

this is a story that happened to me about three years ago.

i had on my mobile phone Yoda,s voice saying "message from the darkside there is".
so basically everytime i received a message on the phone,Yoda would say this.

at that time i was invited to a spiritualist church for development within the spiritual circle.
so we are about halfway through the session and guess what.

message from the darkside there is.

well i got dirty disgusted looks of shock and horror.
i was told to turn my phone off because it could cause heart attacks whilst spirits are contacting mediums.

i just thought well the spirits have a sense of humor and know how to use mobile phones.

still makes me chuckle today.thought i would share.

[john parslow]

IDIOT SIGHTING 1

My daughter and I went through the McDonald's take-away window and I gave the girl a £5 note. Our total was £4.20, so I also handed her a twenty-pence piece.

She said, 'You gave me too much money.'

I said, 'Yes, I know, but this way you can just give me £1 back.'

She sighed and went to get the manager who asked me to repeat my request. I did so, and he handed me back the 20 pence and said 'We're sorry but we can't do that kind of thing.'

The girl then proceeded to give me back 80 pence in change.

Do not confuse the girls at MacD's.


IDIOT SIGHTING 2

We had to have the garage door repaired. The Garador repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a 'large' enough motor on the opener.

I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one Garador made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower.

He shook his head and said, 'Sir, you need a ¼ horsepower.' I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4 and he said, 'NOOO, it's not. Four is larger than two.'

We haven't used Garador repair since. Happened in Bromley, Kent.


IDIOT SIGHTING 3

I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbour call the Highways Department to request the removal of the DEER CROSSING sign on our road.

The reason: 'Too many deer are being hit by cars out here! I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore.'

Story from Crayford, Kent.


IDIOT SIGHTING 4

My daughter went to a local Kentucky Fried and ordered a Mexican taco. She asked the person behind the counter for "minimum lettuce." He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg lettuce.

From Gillingham, Kent.


IDIOT SIGHTING 5

I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an Irish airport employee asked, 'Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?'

To which I replied, 'If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?'

He smiled knowingly and nodded, 'That's why we ask.'

Happened at Luton Airport, UK.

IDIOT SIGHTING 6

The stop light on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged co-worker of mine. She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for.

I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red.

Appalled, she responded, 'What on earth are blind people doing driving?!'

She is a Local County Council employee in Dartford, Kent.


IDIOT SIGHTING 7

When my wife and I arrived at our local Ford dealer to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver’s side door.

As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. 'Hey,' I announced to the mechanic, 'It's open!'

His reply, 'I know. I already did that side.'

This was at the Ford dealership in St Albans, Hertfordshire, UK.

STAY ALERT!

They walk among us ... and the scary part is that is they have the right to VOTE and REPRODUCE!

[modwiz]

Reading this page had tears rolling down my eyes and paroxysms of laughter. I read it from bottom up starting with the idiots post, each one a perfect groan and faceplam humor example. Loved it. Then I got to post #99 and "lost it". Moving to Babs' #98 had me holding onto my seat. By the time I got to Norman's witness post I almost lost consciousness. Spiral's Mr Woolf joke had three moments of descent into laugh hysteria.

It was quite a workout and powerful "medicine". Glad I chose to investigate this thread again.

[john parslow]

Hey Mr. Wizard, as we all know; laughter is good for the soul ... JP