''oop's'', we men are so innocent, we tend to tell as it is until we put our foot in it up to our ears.Wife: Would she wear my shoes?
Husband: No, her size is '5'
Wife: --silence--
Husband: 'sh!t'...!!!
''oop's'', we men are so innocent, we tend to tell as it is until we put our foot in it up to our ears.Wife: Would she wear my shoes?
Husband: No, her size is '5'
Wife: --silence--
Husband: 'sh!t'...!!!
Altaira (7th February 2014), BabaRa (3rd February 2014), Cearna (22nd February 2014), john parslow (23rd January 2014), modwiz (18th February 2014)
I was surfing today, researching hemp seed oil for building hair health, and I stumbled upon this forum.
I was laughing so hard at this, I was crying.
Scroll down to weedy McBong and John Behr posts (Hilarious):
http://www.420magazine.com/forums/me...hair-loss.html
Last edited by Sooz, 2nd February 2014 at 07:17.
An old German Shepherd starts chasing rabbits and before long, discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a panther heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.
The old German Shepherd thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep do-do now!"
Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the panther is about to leap, the old German Shepherd exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious panther! I wonder, if there are any more around here?"
Hearing this, the young panther halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees.
"Whew!," says the panther, "That was close! That old German Shepherd nearly had me!"
Meanwhile, a squirrel who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the panther. So, off he goes.
The squirrel soon catches up with the panther, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the panther.
The young panther is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, squirrel, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!"
Now, the old German Shepherd sees the panther coming with the squirrel on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?," but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old German Shepherd says...
"Where's that squirrel? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another panther!"
Moral of this story...Don't mess with the old dogs.. Age and skill will always overcome youth and treachery!
Brilliance only comes with age and experience.
Altaira (5th February 2014), Arnold VandenHeuvel (30th April 2015), Cearna (22nd February 2014), Elen (11th January 2016), john parslow (4th February 2014), Melidae (7th February 2014), modwiz (3rd February 2014), Tonz (3rd February 2014)
Apologies to all Blondes ...
Three blondes are attempting to change a light bulb. One of them decides to call the Police.
Blonde: "We need help. We're three blondes changing a light bulb."
Operator: "Hmmmmm. You put in a fresh bulb?"
Blonde: "Yes."
Operator: "The power in the house in on?"
Blonde: "Of course."
Operator: "And the switch is on?"
Blonde: "Yes, yes."
Operator: "And the bulb still won't light up?"
Blonde: "No, it's working fine."
Operator: "Then what's the problem?"
Blonde: "We got dizzy spinning the ladder around, and we all fell and hurt ourselves!"
I couldn’t help but over-hear two guys in their mid-twenties while sitting at a bar.
One of the guys says to his buddy, "Man you look tired."
His buddy says, "Dude I'm exhausted. My girlfriend and I have sex all the time. I just don't know what to do."
A fellow about my age (75), sitting a couple of stools down had also over-heard the conversation. He looked over at the two young men and with the wisdom of years says,
"Marry her. That'll put a stop to that ****!"
Altaira (5th February 2014), Cearna (22nd February 2014), john parslow (5th February 2014), Melidae (7th February 2014), Tonz (7th February 2014)
Not so much a Joke, more a way of life …
EATING IN THE UK IN THE FIFTIES
Pasta had not been invented.
Curry was a surname.
A takeaway was a mathematical problem.
A pizza was something to do with a leaning tower.
Bananas and oranges only appeared at Christmas time.
All crisps were plain and came with a little bag containing a twist of salt; the only choice we had was whether to put the salt on or not.
A Chinese chippy was a foreign carpenter.
Rice was a milk pudding, and never, ever part of our dinner.
A Big Mac was what we wore when it was raining.
Brown bread was something only poor people ate.
Oil was for lubricating, fat was for cooking
Tea was made in a teapot using tea leaves and never green.
Coffee was Camp, and came in a bottle.
Cubed sugar was regarded as posh.
Only Heinz made beans.
Fish didn't have fingers in those days.
Eating raw fish was called poverty, not sushi.
None of us had ever heard of yoghurt.
Healthy food consisted of anything edible.
People who didn't peel potatoes were regarded as lazy.
Indian restaurants were only found in India.
Cooking outside was called camping.
Seaweed was not a recognized food.
"Kebab" was not even a word never mind a food.
Sugar enjoyed a good press in those days, and was regarded as being white gold.
Prunes were medicinal.
Surprisingly, muesli was readily available, it was called cattle-feed.
Pineapple came sliced in a tin; we had only seen pictures of real ones
Water came out of the tap, if someone had suggested bottling it and charging more for it than for petrol, they would have been a laughing stock.
The one thing that we never ever had on our table in the Fifties .. Was elbows!
\\this is a really good one John, and it sums up almost all that happened since then.
BabaRa (9th February 2014), Cearna (22nd February 2014), john parslow (9th February 2014), Melidae (7th February 2014), Tonz (7th February 2014)
Here's one for the aussies:
BILLY’S GAY DANCER DAD.
Billy was at school this morning and the teacher asked all the children what their fathers did for a living.
All the typical answers came out – fireman, policeman, salesman, tradesman etc ..etc.,
but Billy was being uncharacteristically quiet and so the teacher asked him about his father.
“My father is an exotic dancer in a gay club and takes off all his clothes in front of other men.
Sometimes if the offer is really good, he’ll go out with a man, rent a cheap hotel room and let them sleep with him.
The teacher quickly set the other children some work to do and took Billy aside to ask him was that really true.
“No” said Billy, “He plays cricket for England but I was just too embarrassed to say” ...
Condoms don't guarantee safe sex! A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot dead by the woman's husband.
A government survey has shown that 91% of illegal immigrants come to Britain so that they can see their own doctor.
Due to the current economic crisis Greece is cancelling all production of houmous and taramasalata It's a double dip recession.
A dwarf goes to a very good but very busy doctor and asks "I know you are busy but do you treat dwarves?"
The doctor replies "Yes, but you will have to be a little patient".
In hindsight I should have posted my Facebook status as: "I've blown the head gasket on my 1997 XR3i" rather than "I've just buggered a 14 year old escort".
The police still haven't seen the funny side, my lap top's been confiscated, and the wife has gone off to her mum's ...
Larry wakes up at home with a huge hangover.
He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table.
He sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed.
Larry looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotless, clean.
So is the rest of the house.
He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table: “Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping. Love you.”
So he goes to the kitchen, and sure enough there is a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper.
His son is also at the table, eating.
Larry asks, “Son, what happened last night?”
His son says, “Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and delirious, broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the door.”
Confused, Larry asks, “So, why is everything in order and so clean, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?”
His son replies, “Oh, that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you said, “Lady, leave me alone, I’m married’!”
His request approved, the CNN News photographer quickly used a cell phone to call the local airport to charter a flight.
He was told a twin-engine plane would be waiting for him at the airport.
Arriving at the airfield, he spotted a plane warming up outside a hanger.
He jumped in with his bag, slammed the door shut, and shouted, 'Let's go'.
The pilot taxied out, swung the plane into the wind and took off.
Once in the air, the photographer instructed the pilot, 'Fly over the valley and make low passes so I can take pictures of the fires on the hillsides.'
'Why?' asked the pilot.
'Because I'm a photographer for CNN', he responded, 'and I need to get some close up shots.'
The pilot was strangely silent for a moment, finally he stammered, 'So, what you're telling me, is . . .. You're NOT my flight instructor?'
"Life is short. Drink the good wine first"
Arnold VandenHeuvel (30th April 2015), Calabash (20th February 2014), Cearna (22nd February 2014), Elen (11th January 2016), john parslow (18th February 2014), modwiz (18th February 2014), Moonlight (21st February 2014)
"Life is short. Drink the good wine first" Love that line Barbara!
Posting Permissions
Reply With Quote
Bookmarks