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Thread: The Jokes Thread Re-Booted

  1. #136
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    Older Woman on a Cruise

    Amazing how your values change as you age!


    An elderly lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship
    holding her hat tight so that it would not blow away in the wind.
    A gentleman approached her and said,
    "Pardon me, madam.. I do not intend to be forward but did you know
    that your dress is blowing up in this high wind?"

    "Yes, I know," said the lady. "I need both my hands to hold onto this hat."

    "But madam, you must know that you are not wearing any panties
    and your privates are exposed!" said the gentleman in earnest.

    The woman looked down, then back up at the man and replied,
    "Sir, anything you see down there is 75 years old.
    I just bought this hat yesterday!"

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  3. #137
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    Ha ha - nice one Ria ... xx

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  5. #138
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    Husband to wife as they emerge from a long session with a marriage guidance
    counselor:

    "Darling, I love you."
    "
    There you go again," snapped his wife. "I...I...I...again."

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  7. #139
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    the man, guide to love and a lasting relationship.

    1.find a woman who makes you laugh.

    2.find a woman who has a job and loves housework.

    3.find a woman who is honest.

    4.find a woman who will wait on you hand and foot.

    5.find a women who is awesome in bed.

    6.most important.it is very important that these women never meet.

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  9. #140
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    had my first reincarnation memory today.
    it was visual and there was speech.
    sorry to say i only got a few glimpses,and no i was not a world leader or a higher being.
    i was not a philosopher,adventurer or scientist making good of the world.

    this is what i got,i hope i am wrong.......

    i lurve you long time,only ten dollar,big blue eye GI.

    not sure what it means but don,t sound right.

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  11. #141
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  13. #142
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    A duck walks into a bar and siddles up to the bar and asks the barkeep "You got any sawdust"?
    Barkeep says "No, get outta here!"
    Next day the duck comes back, waddles up to the bar and asks the barkeep "You got any sawdust"?
    "no you stupid bird.. **** off"
    Next day the duck comes back, waddles up to the bar and asks the barkeep "You got any sawdust"?
    Barkeep loses it "Get out you crazy annoying fecking bird and if you ask me that one more time I'm gonna blow your damn head off!!!
    Next day the duck comes back, waddles up to the bar and asks the barkeep "You got any bullets"?
    "no" says the barkeep
    "You got any sawdust"?

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  15. #143
    Senior Member Lord Sidious's Avatar
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    Quote Originally posted by ronin View Post
    this is a story that happened to me about three years ago.

    i had on my mobile phone Yoda,s voice saying "message from the darkside there is".
    so basically everytime i received a message on the phone,Yoda would say this.

    at that time i was invited to a spiritualist church for development within the spiritual circle.
    so we are about halfway through the session and guess what.

    message from the darkside there is.

    well i got dirty disgusted looks of shock and horror.
    i was told to turn my phone off because it could cause heart attacks whilst spirits are contacting mediums.

    i just thought well the spirits have a sense of humor and know how to use mobile phones.

    still makes me chuckle today.thought i would share.
    Yeah, that's the Manny I remember and love.
    Ya nugget.
    Ní siocháin go saoirse

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  17. #144
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    Quote Originally posted by Lord Sidious View Post
    Yeah, that's the Manny I remember and love.
    Ya nugget.
    OI Skippy i was incognito,thanks for that,bloody feel like turning you into a Kangaroo nugget right now.there,s no emotion for bitchslap.
    street creds gonna go downhill for sure

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  19. #145
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  21. #146
    Senior Member Lord Sidious's Avatar
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    Quote Originally posted by ronin View Post
    OI Skippy i was incognito,thanks for that,bloody feel like turning you into a Kangaroo nugget right now.there,s no emotion for bitchslap.
    street creds gonna go downhill for sure
    We already knew, ya nugget.
    Ní siocháin go saoirse

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  23. #147
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    Quote Originally posted by Lord Sidious View Post
    We already knew, ya nugget.

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  25. #148
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  29. #150
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    A man entered the bus with both of his front pockets full of golf balls and sat down next to a beautiful (you guessed it) blonde.

    The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets.

    Finally, after many such glances from her, he said, "It's golf balls".

    Nevertheless, the blonde continued to look at him thoughtfully and finally, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer, asked, "Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"

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