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Thread: Humour thread

  1. #1516
    Senior Member Fred Steeves's Avatar
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    I like to scope out new stand up comedians every now and then, and this guy was surprisingly funny. If you've ever been married the last few minutes are extra special.
    The unexamined life is not worth living.

    Socrates

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  3. #1517
    Super Moderator Wind's Avatar
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  5. #1518
    Administrator Aragorn's Avatar
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    You know you're in trouble when...

    • You wake up face down on the pavement.
    • Your wife wakes up feeling amorous and you have a headache.
    • You turn on the news and they're showing emergency routes out of the city.
    • Your twin sister forgot your birthday.
    • You wake up and discover your waterbed broke and then remember that you don't have a waterbed.
    • Your doctor tells you you're allergic to chocolate.

    = DEATH BEFORE DISHONOR =

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  7. #1519
    Super Moderator Wind's Avatar
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    "Can you show me where it hurts?" I think somewhere around my ears.


    Source: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Jj7pDNDuoJ0

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  9. #1520
    Administrator Aragorn's Avatar
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    Quote Originally posted by Wind View Post
    "Can you show me where it hurts?" I think somewhere around my ears
    OMG! The horror! The horror!
    = DEATH BEFORE DISHONOR =

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  11. #1521
    Senior Member Fred Steeves's Avatar
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    Quote Originally posted by Wind View Post
    "Can you show me where it hurts?" I think somewhere around my ears.


    Source: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Jj7pDNDuoJ0
    That was painful. Couldn't make it past the first "guitar solo"...
    The unexamined life is not worth living.

    Socrates

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  13. #1522
    Administrator Aragorn's Avatar
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    Quote Originally posted by Fred Steeves View Post
    That was painful. Couldn't make it past the first "guitar solo"...
    I didn't even get that far...
    = DEATH BEFORE DISHONOR =

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  15. #1523
    Senior Member Aianawa's Avatar
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    Gosh this the humour or pain thread lol.

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  17. #1524
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    = DEATH BEFORE DISHONOR =

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  19. #1525
    Super Moderator Wind's Avatar
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    My friend’s bakery burnt down yesterday. Now his business is toast.

    The other day, my wife asked me to pass her lipstick, but I accidentally passed her a glue stick.
    She still isn't talking to me.

    I couldn't figure out why the baseball kept getting larger. Then it hit me.

    Why did it take so long for the pirates to learn the Alphabet? They got stuck at C.

    My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home.

    Someone stole my mood ring yesterday. I still don’t know how I feel about that.

    Why did the golfer bring two pairs of pants? In case he got a hole in one.

    I don't want to brag, but I finished the puzzle in under a week and it said 2-4 years on the box.

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  21. #1526
    Administrator Aragorn's Avatar
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    <politically incorrect joke>



    6th-grader:
    Mother:
    6th-grader:
    Mother:
    6th-grader:
    Mother:
    "Mommy mommy! Today the teacher asked a difficult question, and I was the only girl who knew the answer. Is it because I'm blonde?"
    "Yes, Dear."
    "Mommy mommy! Today we had to run the 100-meter sprint and I was the first to cross the line. Is it because I'm blonde?"
    "Yes, Dear."
    "Mommy mommy! Today in the shower after gym class, I noticed that I'm the only girl in the class who's got titties. Is it because I'm blonde?"
    "No, Dear. It's because you're twenty-four."



    </politically incorrect joke>
    = DEATH BEFORE DISHONOR =

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  23. #1527
    Super Moderator Wind's Avatar
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  25. #1528
    Administrator Aragorn's Avatar
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    Captain Obvious strikes again.


    = DEATH BEFORE DISHONOR =

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  27. #1529
    Administrator Aragorn's Avatar
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    A man was kneeling by a grave in a cemetery, crying and praying very loudly.

    "Oh why..eeeee did you die...eeeeee, oh why..eeeeee, why did you die......eeee..."

    The caretaker walks up, pardons himself and asks politely, "Excuse me, sir, but I've been seeing you for hours now, carrying on at this grave. You must have been very close to the deceased."

    "No, I never met him. Oh why....eeeee did you dieeeeee, why....eeeee did you..."

    "Sir, you say you never met this person, yet you carry on so? Tell me, who is buried here?"

    "My wife's first husband."
    = DEATH BEFORE DISHONOR =

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  29. #1530
    Administrator Aragorn's Avatar
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    One tequila, two tequila, three tequila ..... Floor.

    Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

    If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

    The main reason that Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

    I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

    What if there were no hypothetical questions?

    If a deaf child signs swear words, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

    If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

    Is there another word for synonym?

    Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”

    What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

    If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

    Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

    Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will break in and clean them?

    If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is it homeless or naked?

    Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

    If the police arrest a mute, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

    Why do they put braille on the drive-through bank machines?

    How do they get deer to cross the road only at those yellow road signs?

    What was the best thing before sliced bread?

    One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.

    Does the little mermaid wear an algebra?

    Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

    How is it possible to have a civil war?

    If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown too?

    If you ate both pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?

    If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

    Whose cruel idea was it for the word 'lisp' to have 's' in it?

    Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids?”

    Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?

    Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

    If you spin an oriental man in a circle three times, does he become disoriented?

    Can an atheist get insurance against acts of God?
    = DEATH BEFORE DISHONOR =

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