I just got fired from my job at the keyboard factory. They told me I wasn’t putting in enough shifts.
Did you hear about the monkeys who shared an Amazon account? They were Prime mates.
Have You Really?
Q: What is the biggest lie in the entire universe?
A: “I have read and agree to the Terms & Conditions.”
Q: What do you call it when you have your mom’s mom on speed dial?
Q: How does a computer get drunk?
A: It takes screenshots.
Patient: "Doctor, I need your help. I’m addicted to checking my Twitter!"
Doctor: "I’m so sorry, I don’t follow."
What’s the Gig Deal?
Have you heard of that new band "1023 Megabytes"? They’re pretty good, but they don’t have a gig just yet.
Humor On (Power)Point
Person 1: "Do you know how to use Outlook?"
Person 2: "As a matter of fact, I Excel at it."
Person 1: "Was that a Microsoft Office pun?"
Person 2: "Word."
Q: Why did the computer show up at work late?
A: It had a hard drive.
Texting your doctor
"Hey Dr. Park, this is Matt from the vascular lab. I have an outpatient here with an external iliac occlusion with cold foot pin and numbness that started 3…"
Texts from Mom
Mom: "How make chicken"
Mom: "Where buy chicken"
Daughter: "Mom, this isn’t Google."
Not again, autocorrect!
Autocorrect has become my worst enema.
Person 1: “I feel like carp today.”
Person 2: “Yeah, you look a little fishy.”
“I am hungary.”
“Maybe you should czech the fridge.”
“I’m russian to the kitchen. Is there any turkey?”
“We have some, but it’s covered in greece.”
“Ew, there’s norway I’d…
Talk is (not) cheap
Anyone who thinks “talk is cheap" obviously didn’t pay my daughter’s last mobile phone bill!
Check before you send
The guy who invented auto-correct for smart phones passed away today. Restaurant in peace.
Q: What do you call an iPhone that isn’t kidding around?
A: Dead Siri-ous
Getting into contact
Q: Why was the cell phone wearing glasses?
A: It lost its contacts.
Repeat That, Mate?
"If you understand English, press 1. If you do not understand English, press 2."
(Recording on an Australian tax help line)
Your Work E-mail is What?
"I’m employed at a computer security company and have a colleague whose name is M. Alware. His e-mail address is email@example.com