Better this morning. Deliberately working on finding things that make me happy today. That helps. Even working through grief of the past is not as hard as this one...If you can imagine that given I've suffered PTSD during those times.
This has been way different. Almost smothering at times. I see the doctor tomorrow afternoon. I will discuss it with him then. I just know he's going to suggest meds which I do not want to take. I take enough meds...I don't need or want another kind of substance added to my body.
I have a friend who has some tapes (mp3) that she has been sharing with me. I'm going to see if she has anything for that.
Better this morning. Deliberately working on finding things that make me happy today. That helps. Even working through grief of the past is not as hard as this one...If you can imagine that given I've suffered PTSD during those times.
This has been way different. Almost smothering at times. I see the doctor tomorrow afternoon. I will discuss it with him then. I just know he's going to suggest meds which I do not want to take. I take enough meds...I don't need or want another kind of substance added to my body.
I have a friend who has some tapes (mp3) that she has been sharing with me. I'm going to see if she has anything for that.
Hi Shadowself,
I understand your reluctance to take 'one more med'. I do have a little different perspective on anti-depressive medication though.
I fought for over 20 years what is called 'dysthymia' which is a long term chronic depression. I tried to overcome it by sheer will and did actually make progress but there was always this 'nugget' of emotional maladjustment that wouldn't go away. I finally relented and went to a psychiatrist who prescribed the med. In a while, I began to regret that I waited for so long to take the step, and then in another while I actually forgot why the psychiatrist had prescribed it. This is not unusual because the effects are so profound in raising the 'sense of general well being' that one tends to forget the why.
There are also some 'natural' depression fighters, for example, St. John's Wort is one which i tried but it made me extremely jittery which is a big no-no for me.
If anybody has any ideas you think might work I'm listening. Otherwise I'm probably going to have to consider depression meds as a last choice and I really don't want to do that.
First off, meds can often help, particularly when the side affects are tolerable. But as U already know and what many know and the med community is beginning to realize, there is no healing down such a road. They only mask and hope to mitigate what the vessel finds itself, in its current state, no longer capable of for itself.
That is, to COPE.
I found them not for me based on how my body reacted.
On the other hand, DX (dear X), who is both bipolar and DID (dissociative identy disorder), has used them for years. For one thing, it kept her from killing herself until she healed that predilection which was held in one of her alters she named, Saw Baby.
Only U can know and decide if meds are in order for U at this time. But U already know that.
DX's story is a long one and not mine to tell. But I know she would be fine with me saying the culmination of that particular aspect of her journey came suddenly in the midst of a major emotional event in which a core judgement arose and she was able to release the judgement that said she could not survive the pain generated by the circumstance she found herself faced with.
And I know she would be fine with where I'm going to go in part 2 of this comment.
I hope you will be able to receive it in the spirit intended which is to share our differentiated truths and stories with one another....
PART TWO
If anybody has any ideas you think might work I'm listening.
The entire med community is stymied by what to do about depression.
This is a fact!
Depression is as if an old dog
starin' at the dust down a country road...
Gather up what is available from out there.
Gather together the sum total of your life's experiences
that add up to YOUR TRUTH AS U KNOW IT
Then, carrying the gathered,
look and feel within.
For,
what is up now could be
the very next step in your process.
And
It could be that's what lay on the old oak table.
Such is only intended by this one
as a reminder,
for,
clearly,
this is exactly what U have been doing
and reporting your results here
for us to see and feel as we walk with U.
This is to say,
U have been allowing your process to lead U.
Such is the path home and home is where
one's outside reality matches their inside reality
in the ways one has desire for it to be,
where both are yummy!
For most of us
those realities do not match.
Thus, the war...
It is said, where ever in nature a poisonous plant grows,
within close proximity grows, too, its antidote.
palooka sez...
move into the problem for therein lay the solution.
U already know this, yes?
A Far Wiser Bird
who planted the seeds for both those plants
sez...
Feelings give movement to creation. Without feelings,
there is no desire and without desire, vibration would stop.
Vibration is life and so it follows that you must have desire to have life.
I have to eventually face the fact that depression is a factor that cannot be denied
The same Wise Bird sez...
Denial creates an experience or experiences
equal to or greater than the denial
so the denial may be cleared.
Further along those lines,
the Wise Bird sez...
What is the true response pilgrim?
Emotion, feelings,
are held in your magnetic centers.
How does this want to express?
In sound?
In body movement?
Allow yourself to express in those ways.
In private.
Without acting out upon others.
Without harming yourself or anyone else
The entire med community is stymied by what to do about depression.
This is a fact!
Sufferers of depression,
even those who are adventurist pilgrims,
are want to NOT feel into it.
Who could blame them?
Certainly not anyone who has ever experienced depression.
And everyone has experienced depression to one extent or another
because,
Well I've got to get a handle on it to get better...otherwise it's going to get out of control.
The Shadow Self KNOWS
AND
The Wise Bird sez...
As you move pay attention for thought patterns
that appear in the form of judgemental statements.
These often subtly surface in mind in response to emotional movement.
Well I've got to get a handle on it to get better...otherwise it's going to get out of control.
The statement COULD be a judgement
Many of us believe, NO, such is NOT a judgement, IT IS FACT
And the Wise Bird sez...
of course it is.
That's what judgements are.
Judgements manifest EXACTLY what they profess.
palooka sez....
In my own experience I have found,
judgements are often layered, one upon another.
They often originated in mind
during a past, unpleasant experience.
but these end up and are held in the Will
She reflects these back to Him.
Together they manifest our experiences.
Some of those experiences
appear for all the world to be
NOT in our best interests.
However, EVERYTHING is a REFLECTION
In that spirit, ask yourself,
what will happen if your depression
gets out of control?
Example Judgement release...
I forgive myself for having judged
and for having believed for so long that,
if I let depression get out of control (fill in the blank
But,
most of all,
and in the spirit of what is said around
the tables in the brother and sisterhood
of the empty chalice, TAKE,
IF ANYTHING,
ONLY WHAT U NEED AND LEAVE THE REST
Artie sang it best
to all of us
for
all of us
about what we can be
for one another...
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Wow! I seriously slept for the rest of yesterday...up and down a few times but mostly sleep.
That was a pretty cool assessment Palooka!
This is an emotional disease....there is no getting around it. So no matter what I need to address the emotional stress that comes with it. Today I see the doctor. Tomorrow I need to start more of the same Chemo! Is it any wonder I'm emotionally stressed? Hiding it not to upset others is the thing here. Not for myself. I know how emotionally stressed I am. I've also recognized that it cannot go on. I need to address it and that is a fact.
So...we'll see what the doc says today. Thank you for that cool post...that was really cool
well, i got the idea for the format from U a'course. when i first saw U use that i thought, wow, what a kewl way to drive the point, to make the cheese more binding as my daddy used to say. i thought, damn, i wish i could steal that. and then, in appropriate fashion U provided the perfect opportunity. as it should be. and so, i did. my wish has been granted. thank you!!
well, i got the idea for the format from U a'course. when i first saw U use that i thought, wow, what a kewl way to drive the point, to make the cheese more binding as my daddy used to say. i thought, damn, i wish i could steal that. and then, in appropriate fashion U provided the perfect opportunity. as it should be. and so, i did. my wish has been granted. thank you!!
Use it all you want. I've always found it an effective way to get a point across. While I only use it at certain times it's those times I find it most effective.
In the sample you used above...it worked quite effectively.
Better this morning. Deliberately working on finding things that make me happy today. That helps. Even working through grief of the past is not as hard as this one...If you can imagine that given I've suffered PTSD during those times.
This has been way different. Almost smothering at times. I see the doctor tomorrow afternoon. I will discuss it with him then. I just know he's going to suggest meds which I do not want to take. I take enough meds...I don't need or want another kind of substance added to my body.
I have a friend who has some tapes (mp3) that she has been sharing with me. I'm going to see if she has anything for that.
DX, who is as pro-active as anyone i've ever seen highly, highly recommends U get this book ASAP. it is cutting edge info in a land where there is much misunderstanding and ambiguity. and for the sufferers, risk.
and btw... DX had already registered but not commented on anything yet in deference to a full plate. but will be joining in discussions soon. she has much to bring to the table in particular areas of interest already open here at TOT and i fully expect will introduce new topics as well...
The worst pain I've ever experienced is giving birth and then a bout of Sciatica which I was given D118s for, which subsided after a couple of days. So I am entirely useless to advise or suggest anything to help. I do know that bottom line depression is feeling sorry for myself and in such circumstances I use mindfullness for distraction. But I know Shadowself is talking about more pain than that.
That was a lovely piece of writing PR provided and I cannot wait for DX to join in.
So...as it turns out I need to contact my palliative care for anything regarding depression. My primary Oncologist and his staff work with the cancer primarily and refer pain management and any kind of depression to palliative care.
What did happen today and I did not mention yesterday as I was out of it most of the day is I had some "different kind" of chest pain followed with some minor jaw pain for which I was ready to get my nitroglycerin ready to put under my tongue. But it went away rather quickly so I did not take it. It did not come back so I just kept an eye on the chest pain for the rest of the day.
Most of the time I can tell when it's different than my lung pain and yesterday it was indeed different. So my regular scheduled cardio appointment in November was moved to the 17 of this month....and I was told the next time it happens to take an aspirin and the nitro and call 911.
I may have had a minor clot pass one of the two obstructed arteries I have and it had some trouble getting past that obstruction. I'd have to go look it up but I do have two arteries that are partially obstructed besides the one that got the stint put in. Off the top of my head I think they were both 40% blocked.
This happened once before back around March or April and I took the nitroglycerin and it passed. Then I was and have been fine ever since. I did not call 911 at the time but I did have a Dr visit with the cardiologist the following week. They did not hear anything obstructing so that was that.
So todays visit was mostly to determine if I was going to cancel the Chemo for a wait for the Cardiologist review and they decided to go ahead with the Chemo. I told them I was not certain that it was the artery block although it was suspect.
So...tomorrow morning starts the chemo for the next three days. They reordered the Opdivo for approval once again and hopefully the next session I have will be that and not the Chemo....On the way home I was rewarded with my usual triple vente latte with extra foam from Starbucks! My personal favorite that did indeed brighten my day!
I will review this book recommendation PR and discuss it with my palliative care when I call them for some assistance for depression. I do feel better today. But I also know it's just buried under the surface as I mentioned and as I have done now for months I'm keeping it down under that surface.
Man if I could get that latte once a day that probably would do the trick! LOL Of course I'm just kidding but that is what you do to mask the things I've been discussing.
Cannot wait to hear from DX as well...and yes...again that was a good post PR...I really liked it.
Okay gotta take a break and finish my latte....And end with...gulp...a Whole Latte Love!
"So...tomorrow morning starts the chemo for the next three days. They reordered the Opdivo for approval once again and hopefully the next session I have will be that and not the Chemo..."
I really wish those people would get their sh*t together...
The Following 6 Users Say Thank You to Emil El Zapato For This Useful Post:
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"So...tomorrow morning starts the chemo for the next three days. They reordered the Opdivo for approval once again and hopefully the next session I have will be that and not the Chemo..."
I really wish those people would get their sh*t together...
It's not really their fault....I changed insurance to medicare and it just needs a new approval. Not their fault. I'm sure medicare will approve it but they want to keep the ball rolling with the chemo so yep....three days of hell here I come....
The Following 7 Users Say Thank You to Shadowself For This Useful Post:
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Originally posted by Shadowself
“El revolucionario: te meteré la bota en el culo"
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