Originally posted by
Maggie
For several days I have been feeling depressed, literally like a heavy curtain is hanging. It is just SOOO heavy that it is making me really tired. I decided I am addicted to the internet. It is literally wired into my basic neuro scheme that to hang out on line for hours is necessary.
I have some really deep dreams that I feel are vaild possibilities. One is that something just amazing and wonderful is just around the corner and that ACTION takes me exactly from possibility to a probability. The MORE I expect the miraculous, the MORE that is the case. Up until this time in my life, I was a bit wishy washy in practice of expectation.
I have been as curious about the dark side as anyone, that place that is full of fear and dread anxiety and gaunt haints. Thinking dark heavy thoughts is familiar. Just as possible IS thinking expectations of light and fluffy uplifted vistas of the mind. I know really KNOW that only my own practice will count in my "reality bubble/tunnel/realm"
Thinking about harsh and scornful banging the drum against (cabal, quackademiscs, false gurus and you name it) is IMO very stress inducing. The dreaded expectations do occurr yet there is always a new potential to mourn in advance and people actually always set new dates for the end. IMO what is seemingly dreamy pure impossibility is just one of MY thoughts away. I seriously doubt also that the dream OR NIGHTMARE can be held in form without ME. I perceive that my cup of tea is most delicious.
I hae spent too much time wading through the internet libraries. I think that is because I have been searching for confirmation of belief system somehow, just like everyone. It has never appeared. I think that is meaningful. What confirmation may I REALLY HAVE except evidence in my mundane 24/7/365. And what evidence have I received? I feel a growing pressure to put my mind to work FOR my dreams.
I have spent so much time in cyberspace and it has familiarity. The familiar gets way too comfortable even when one is still hungry no matter what was served. What I need is to put into practice the things I ever thought were valuable...think on the things that I value and detach from the mind field of the collective internet search.
People say the "New Age" meme is attempting to blanket in a love and light that is not real. But It IS just as real as its polar opposite. I think I sincerely value the FOCUS on this extreme as an antidote to being oppressed by miserable thoughts. I am sure I will see the fruits of the labor (and it ain't easy to keep one's attention only where one wants it to be. Try and try again.... will try again because I will that action)
Taking a retirement break, expecting to lose my compulsions to read and watch what the rest of a collective may value? Best wishes to all. Thanks for your good wishes. LOTS of LOVE to everyone, Maggie
This is the very first poem I ever saw by Rumi....
“Come, come, whoever you are. Wanderer, worshiper, lover of leaving. It doesn't matter. Ours is not a caravan of despair. come, even if you have broken your vows a thousand times. Come, yet again , come , come.”