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john parslow
5th October 2013, 13:46
An almost clean Italian joke!

Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven.

At the Pearly Gates, they are met by St. Peter.

He says, 'Sisters, you all led such exemplary lives that the Lord is granting you six months to go back to earth and be anyone you wish to be.

The first nun says, 'I want to be Sophia Loren;' And *poof* she's gone.

The second says, 'I want to be Madonna and *poof* she's gone.

The third says, 'I want to be Sara Pipalini..'

St. Peter looks perplexed. 'Who?' he asks.

'Sara Pipalini' replies the nun.

St.Peter shakes his head and says, 'I'm sorry, but that name just doesn't ring a bell.'

The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St. Peter.

St. Peter reads the paper and starts laughing. He hands it back to her and says ... 'No sister, the paper says it was the 'Sahara Pipeline' that was laid by 1,400 men in 6 months.'


If you laugh, you're going straight to hell!

Spiral
5th October 2013, 19:11
Life in the Australian Army...

Text of a letter from a kid from Eromanga to Mum and Dad. (For Those of you not in the know, Eromanga is a small town, west of Quilpie in the far south west of Queensland)


Dear Mum & Dad,

I am well. Hope youse are too. Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that the Army is better than workin' on the farm - tell them to get in bloody quick smart before the jobs are all gone! I wuz a bit slow in settling down at first, because ya don't hafta get outta bed until 6am. But I like sleeping in now, cuz all ya gotta do before brekky is make ya bed and shine ya boots and clean ya uniform. No bloody cows to milk, no calves to feed, no feed to stack - nothin'!! Ya haz gotta shower though, but its not so bad, coz there's lotsa hot water and even a light to see what ya doing!

At brekky ya get cereal, fruit and eggs but there's no kangaroo steaks or possum stew like wot Mum makes. You don't get fed again until noon and by that time all the city boys are buggered because we've been on a 'route march' - geez its only just like walking to the windmill in the back paddock!!

This one will kill me brothers Doug and Phil with laughter. I keep getting medals for shootin' - dunno why. The bullseye is as big as a bloody possum's bum and it don't move and it's not firing back at ya like the Johnsons did when our big scrubber bull got into their prize cows before the Ekka last year! All ya gotta do is make yourself comfortable and hit the target - it's a piece of ****!! You don't even load your own cartridges, they comes in little boxes, and ya don't have to steady yourself against the rollbar of the roo shooting truck when you reload!

Sometimes ya gotta wrestle with the city boys and I gotta be real careful coz they break easy - it's not like fighting with Doug and Phil and Jack and Boori and Steve and Muzza all at once like we do at home after the muster.
Turns out I'm not a bad boxer either and it looks like I'm the best the platoon's got, and I've only been beaten by this one bloke from the Engineers - he's 6 foot 5 and 15 stone and three pick handles across the shoulders and as ya know I'm only 5 foot 7 and eight stone wringin' wet, but I fought him till the other blokes carried me off to the boozer.

I can't complain about the Army - tell the boys to get in quick before word gets around how bloody good it is.

Your loving daughter,

Sheila

Spiral
5th October 2013, 19:52
http://img198.imageshack.us/img198/3174/someonewrongoninternet.png

john parslow
5th October 2013, 20:25
A few quick liners:

Son: “Dad, we’re learning about prisms at school. They’re fascinating.”

Dad: “That’s good son, because as a dyslexic black boy, you’re bound to end up in one.”


Paddy decides to take up boxing and goes for the required medical. A few days later the doctor ‘phones and says “Paddy, you realise you’ve got sugar diabetes.”

Paddy says, “Nice one, when do I fight him?”


It was hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey Cokey. But I’ve turned myself around and that’s what it’s all about.


Little boy gets home from school and says "Dad, I've got a part in the school play as a man who's been married for 25 years."

His Dad replies "Never mind Son. Maybe next time you'll get a speaking part!!"


A dwarf goes to a very good but very busy doctor and asks "I know you are busy but do you treat dwarves?"

The doctor replies "Yes, but you will have to be a little patient".


In hindsight I should have posted my Facebook status as: "I've blown the head gasket on my 1997 XR3i" rather than "I've just buggered a 14 year old escort".

The police still haven't seen the funny side, my lap top's been confiscated, and the wife has gone off to her mother.

Spiral
5th October 2013, 20:46
http://youtu.be/BTVofpm471I

john parslow
5th October 2013, 20:58
Ha ha ha Spiral

An excellent funny. JP

john parslow
9th October 2013, 16:27
DIFFERENT WAYS OF LOOKING AT THINGS

Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and family values. Bill said, 'I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?' Larry replied, 'I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?'

A little boy went up to his father and asked: 'Dad, where did my intelligence come from?' The father replied. 'Well, son, you must have got it from your mother, cause I still have mine.'

'Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully,' the Divorce Court Judge said, 'And I've decided to give your wife £775 a week,' 'That's very fair, your honor,' the husband said. 'And every now and then I'll try to send her a few pounds myself.'

A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency Room, took the husband aside, and said, 'I don't like the looks of your wife at all.' 'Me neither doc,' said the husband. 'But she's a great cook and really good with the kids.'

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years. The Wizard says, 'Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you.' The old man says without hesitation, 'I now pronounce you man and wife.'

Moe: 'My wife got me to believe in religion.' Joe: 'Really?' Moe: 'Yeah. Until I married her I didn't believe in Hell.'

A man is recovering from surgery when the Surgical Nurse appears and asks him how he is feeling. 'I'm O.K. But I didn't like the four letter-words the doctor used in surgery,' he answered. 'What did he say?' asked the nurse. 'Oops!' said the man ...

While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so I sought my husband's advice. 'What do you think?' I asked. 'Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one? ''Better get a bikini,' he replied. 'You'd never get it all in one.' He's still in intensive care ...

The graveside service just barely finished, when there was a massive clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance. The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, 'Well, she's there.' …

john parslow
20th October 2013, 11:18
Vraiment très drôle ...! je vous laisse en juger. (Really funny ...! I’ll let you judge.)

True story reported by an English guy who was stopped and asked to give a breathaliser test.

The English guy lives near Le Bugue in the Dordogne and at the time he was stopped he was as pis*ed as a fart...

The gendarme signals to him to wind down the window then asks him if he has been drinking, and with a slurring speech the English guy replies:

'Yes, this morning I was at my (hic)..daughter's wedding, and as I don't like church much I went to the cafe opposite and had several beers.' 'Then during the wedding banquet I seem to remember downing three great bottles of wine; (hic)... a corbieres, a Minervois and (hic)...a Faugeres.' 'Then to finish off during the celebrations.... and (hic) during the evening ...me and my mate downed two bottles of Johnny Walker's black label.'

Getting impatient the gendarme warns him:

'Do you understand I'm a policeman and have stopped you for an alcohol test'?

The Englishman with a grin on his face replies:

'Do you understand that I'm English, and so is my car, and that my wife is sitting in the other seat, at the steering wheel?'

Spiral
20th October 2013, 12:48
http://youtu.be/aJLxT_B2v8k

john parslow
27th October 2013, 18:53
Subject: Winter Fuel Allowance

About this time of the year, older taxpayers will again be receiving another 'Winter Fuel' payment.
This is indeed a very exciting programme and I'll explain it by using a Q & A format:

Q. What is a 'Winter Fuel' payment ?
A. It is money the government will send to taxpayers.

Q. Where will the government get this money ?
A. From taxpayers.

Q. So the government is giving me back my own money ?
A. Only a smidgen of it.

Q. What is the purpose of this payment ?
A. The plan is for you to use the money to purchase gas and electricity...or a high-definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy.

Q. But isn't that stimulating the economy of China?
A. Shut up.

Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the U.K. Economy by spending your 'Winter Fuel' cheque wisely:

* If you spend the money at Asda or Tesco, the money will go to China, Taiwan or Sri Lanka

* If you spend it on petrol your money will go to the Arabs

* If you purchase a computer it will go to India, Taiwan or China

* If you purchase fruit and vegetables it will go to Mexico, Honduras and Guatemala

* If you buy an efficient car it will go to Japan or Korea

* If you purchase useless stuff it will go to Taiwan

* If you pay off your credit cards or buy shares, it will go to management bonuses and they will hide it offshore.

Instead, keep the money in the UK by:

1. Spending it at car boot sales
2. Going to night clubs
3. Spending it on prostitutes
4. Buying beer or whisky
5. Getting yourself a tattoo
6. Visiting a bookie

(These are the only UK businesses still operating in the U.K. )

Conclusion: Be patriotic - go to a night club with a tattooed prostitute that you met at a car boot sale and drink beer day and night !

No need to thank me...just glad I could be of help.

Altaira
29th October 2013, 10:00
https://fbcdn-sphotos-c-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-frc3/1377167_249178748564771_1534905450_n.jpg

Sparky
4th November 2013, 00:18
There comes a time in all of our lives when we just have to say: "bugger off" like you Brits do and
laugh our a$$ off like an American going broke...which we are. They sure can't eat you, but they know how to suck the life out of you...if you let them.




THE CHURCH ORGANIST


There was a small church in Texas that had a very big-busted organist.

Her breasts were so huge that they inadvertently bounced and jiggled the entire time she played the organ. Unfortunately, she distracted most of the congregation considerably, both male and female.

The very proper church ladies were appalled.

They said something had to be done about this or they would have to get another organist.

So, one of the ladies approached her, very discreetly, and told her to mash up some green persimmons and rub them on the nipples of her breasts and maybe they would shrink in size, but warned her to not eat any of the green persimmons, 'because they are so sour they will make your mouth pucker up and you won't be able to talk properly for a week!

The perky organist agreed to try rubbing the persimmons on her nipples.

The following Sunday morning the minister got up in the pulpit and said... "Dew to thircumsthanthis bewond my contwol, we will not haff a thermon tewday". ...




Have you ever thought about your relationship and how the fight got started?

CHRISTMAS GIFTS


One year, husband decided to buy his mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a
Christmas gift.
The next year, he didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked him why, he replied,
"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
And that's how the fight started...

TELEVISION GAME SHOWS


My wife and I are watching “Who Wants To Be A Millionaire” while we were in
bed.

I turned to her and said,
'Do you want to have Sex?'
'No,' she answered.
I then said: 'Is that your final answer'?
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying …‘Yes.'
So I said: 'Then I'd like to phone a friend.'
And that's when the fight started...


DINING OUT


I took my wife to a Restaurant.

The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
'I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please..'
He said: 'Aren't you worried about the mad cow'?
'Nah, she can order for herself.'
And that's when the fight started...

EVENING WATCHING TV


My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping the channels.
She asked, 'What's on TV?'
I said, 'Dust.'
And then the fight started…

ANNIVERSARY GIFTS


My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary..
She said: 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 200 in about 3 seconds.'
I bought her a scale.
And then the fight started...


THE HIGH SCHOOL CLASS REUNION


My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she
kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.
I asked her: 'Do you know him?'
'Yes,' she sighed,
'He's my old boyfriend... I understand he took to drinking right after we
split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since.'

'My God!' - I said,
'Who would think a person would be celebrating that long?'
And then the fight started...


THE BROKEN LAWN MOWER


When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that
I should get it fixed.
But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first --- the
truck, the car, playing golf. There was always something more important for me to occupy my time.
Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily
snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a
short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when
I came out again I handed her a toothbrush.
I said: 'When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway.'
The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.*****

lookbeyond
4th November 2013, 09:18
Very cheeky Sparky

thenmac
4th November 2013, 22:42
If you fall, i`ll be there.

- floor

john parslow
5th November 2013, 20:00
A lawyer and a senior citizen are sitting next to each other on a long flight. The lawyer is thinking that seniors are so dumb that he could get one over on them easily. So, the lawyer asks if the senior would like to play a fun game.

The senior is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and tries to catch a few winks.

The lawyer persists, saying that the game is a lot of fun...."I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5.00. Then you ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00," he says.

This catches the senior's attention and, to keep the lawyer quiet, he agrees to play the game.

The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the Earth to the Moon?"

The senior doesn't say a word, but reaches into his pocket, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.

Now, it's the senior's turn. He asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?"

The lawyer uses his laptop to search all references he can find on the Net. He sends E-mails to all the smart friends he knows; all to no avail. After an hour of searching, he finally gives up.

He wakes the senior and hands him $500.00. The senior pockets the $500.00 and goes right back to sleep.

The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes the senior up and asks, "Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?"

The senior reaches into his pocket, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.

Don't mess with seniors!

Sparky
6th November 2013, 17:55
Hi John...tis ole coot knows the answer to the riddle. Send me the lousy loosing lawyer's name.


Now, it's the senior's turn. He asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?"

A young man with an erect phallus to seek the fair maiden at the top of the hill. When the fun is over, they walk down together for their next adventure.

Where's that fooking lawyer? He owes me $500.:victorious:

john parslow
14th November 2013, 18:14
The lady is quick witted to say the least!

An award should go to the United Airlines gate agent in New York for being smart and funny while making her point, when confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo.

For all of you out there who have had to deal with an irate customer, this one is for you.

A crowded United Airlines flight was cancelled. A single agent was re-booking a long line of inconvenienced travellers.

Suddenly, an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS."

The agent replied, "I'm sorry, sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these folks first; and then I'm sure we'll be able to work something out."

The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?"

Without hesitating, the agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone: "May I have your attention, please?", she began, her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal.

"We have a passenger here at Gate 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him with his identity, please come to Gate 14."

With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the United Airlines agent, gritted his teeth, and said, "F*** You!"

Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry sir, you'll have to get in line for that, too."

john parslow
14th November 2013, 18:56
YOU JUST HAVE TO LAUGH DON'T YOU ...

BRAINS OF BRITAIN !

UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE (BBC2)

Jeremy Paxman: What is another name for 'cherrypickers' and 'cheesemongers'?
Contestant: Homosexuals.
Jeremy Paxman: No. They're regiments in the British Army who will be very upset with you.


BEG, BORROW OR STEAL (BBC2)

Jamie Theakston: Where do you think Cambridge University is?
Contestant: Geography isn't my strong point.
Jamie Theakston: There's a clue in the title.
Contestant: Leicester


BBC NORFOLK

Stewart White: Who had a worldwide hit with What A Wonderful World?
Contestant: I don't know.
Stewart White: I'll give you some clues: what do you call the part between your hand and your elbow?
Contestant: Arm
Stewart White: Correct. And if you're not weak, you're...?
Contestant: Strong.
Stewart White: Correct - and what was Lord Mountbatten's first name?
Contestant: Louis
Stewart White: Well, there we are then. So who had a worldwide hit with the song What A Wonderful World?
Contestant: Frank Sinatra?


LATE SHOW (BBC MIDLANDS )

Alex Trelinski: What is the capital of Italy ?
Contestant: France.
Trelinski: France is another country. Try again.
Contestant: Oh, um, Benidorm.
Trelinski: Wrong, sorry, let's try another question. In which country is the Parthenon?
Contestant: Sorry, I don't know.
Trelinski: Just guess a country then.
Contestant: Paris.


THE WEAKEST LINK (BBC2)

Anne Robinson: Oscar Wilde, Adolf Hitler and Jeffrey Archer have all written books about their experiences in what: - Prison, or the Conservative Party?
Contestant: The Conservative Party.


BEACON RADIO ( WOLVERHAMPTON )

DJ Mark: For 10, what is the nationality of the Pope?
Ruth from Rowley Regis: I think I know that one. Is it Jewish?


UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE

Bamber Gascoyne: What was Gandhi's first name?
Contestant: Goosey?


GWR FM ( Bristol )

Presenter: What happened in Dallas on November 22, 1963?
Contestant: I don't know, I wasn't watching it then.


PHIL WOOD SHOW (BBC RADIO? MANCHESTER)

Phil: What's 11 squared?
Contestant: I don't know.
Phil: I'll give you a clue. It's two ones with a two in the middle.
Contestant: Is it five?


RICHARD AND JUDY

Richard: Which American actor is married to Nicole Kidman?
Contestant: Forrest Gump.


RICHARD AND JUDY

Richard: On which street did Sherlock Holmes live?
Contestant: Er. ... ...
Richard: He makes bread . . ..
Contestant: Er .. ......
Richard: He makes cakes . . ..
Contestant: Kipling Street?


LINCS FM PHONE-IN

Presenter: Which is the largest Spanish-speaking country in the world?
Contestant: Barcelona.
Presenter: I was really after the name of a country.
Contestant: I'm sorry, I don't know the names of any countries in Spain ..


NATIONAL LOTTERY (BBC1)

Question: What is the world's largest continent?
Contestant: The Pacific.


ROCK FM ( PRESTON )

Presenter: Name a film starring Bob Hoskins that is also the name of a famous painting by Leonardo da Vinci.
Contestant: Who Framed Roger Rabbit?


THE BIGGEST GAME IN TOWN (ITV)

Steve Le Fevre: What was signed, to bring World War I to an end in 1918?
Contestant: Magna Carta?


JAMES O'BRIEN SHOW (LBC)

James O'Brien: How many kings of England have been called Henry?
Contestant: Er, well, I know there was a Henry the Eighth ... ER. ER ... Three?


CHRIS SEARLE SHOW (BBC RADIO BRISTOL )

Chris Searle: In which European country is Mount Etna ?
Caller: Japan.
Chris Searle: I did say which European country, so in case you didn't hear that, I can let you try again.
Caller: Er ........ Mexico ?


PAUL WAPPAT (BBC RADIO NEWCASTLE )

Paul Wappat: How long did the Six-Day War between Egypt and Israel last?
Contestant (long pause): Fourteen days.


DARYL DENHAM'S DRIVETIME (VIRGIN RADIO)

Daryl Denham: In which country would you spend shekels?
Contestant: Holland?
Daryl Denham: Try the next letter of the alphabet.
Contestant: Iceland? Ireland ?
Daryl Denham: (helpfully) It's a bad line. Did you say Israel ?
Contestant: No.


PHIL WOOD SHOW (BBC GMR)

Phil Wood: What 'K' could be described as the Islamic Bible?
Contestant: Er... .... ...
Phil Wood: It's got two syllables . . . Kor . .
Contestant: Blimey?
Phil Wood: Ha ha ha ha, no. The past participle of run . . .
Contestant: (Silence)
Phil Wood: OK, try it another way. Today I run, yesterday I . . .
Contestant: Walked?


THE VAULT

Melanie Sykes: What is the name given to the condition where the sufferer can fall asleep at any time?
Contestant: Nostalgia.


STEVE WRIGHT IN THE AFTERNOON (BBC RADIO 2)

Wright: Johnny Weissmuller died on this day. Which jungle-swinging character clad only in a loin cloth did he play?
Contestant: Jesus.

john parslow
17th November 2013, 10:19
A Marine boarded a train on his way home from deployment...

The train was quite crowded, and the Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat. There seemed to be one next to a well-dressed middle-aged French woman, but when he got there he saw it was taken by the woman's poodle. The war-weary Marine asked, "Ma'am, may I have that seat?"

The French woman sniffed and said to no one in particular, "Americans are so rude.. My little Fifi is using that seat.."

The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat available was under that dog. "Please, Ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired." She snorted, "Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!" This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the little dog, tossed it out the train window and sat down.

The woman shrieked, "Someone must defend my honor! Put this American in his place!" An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up.

"Sir, you Americans seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your cars on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out the window."

Healthy Skeptic
17th November 2013, 11:10
You 'girls' will like this.

Question: "What do you call the 'useless' piece of skin at the end of a man's private 'member'"??
Answer : "A Man"!!!

Cheers!!, HS

Sparky
5th January 2014, 05:54
One day my Grandma was out, and my Grandpa was in charge of me. I was maybe 2 1/2 years old. Someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a gift, and it was one of my favorite toys.

Grandpa was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I brought him a little cup of 'tea', which was just water. After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Grandma came home.

My Grandpa made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because (as he put it) it was 'just the cutest thing!'

Grandma waited, and sure enough, here I came down the hall with a cup of tea for Grandpa, and she watched him drink it up. Then she said, (as only a Grandma would know), "Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water, is the toilet?"

john parslow
5th January 2014, 11:56
A male driver is pulled over by a cop and the following conversation takes place:

Man: What's the problem officer?
Cop: You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone.
Man: No sir, I was going 65.
Wife: Oh Harry. You were going 80. (Man gives his wife a dirty look.)
Cop: I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light.
Man: Broken tail light? I didn't know about a broken tail light!
Wife: Oh Harry, you've known about that tail light for weeks. (Man gives his wife a dirty look.)
Cop: I'm also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt.
Man: Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car.
Wife: Oh Harry, you never wear your seat belt.
Man: Shut your mouth, woman!
Cop: Ma'am, does your husband always talk to you this way?
Wife: No, only when he's drunk ...

Sparky
5th January 2014, 21:59
John, that's a good one and really made me chuckle. Why? Around 30 years ago, I knew a couple who were stopped under the same circumstances as your joke. He was driving snookered and speeding. His wife contradicted everything he said to the cop.

When he told us the story after the incident, we learned the cop didn't write him. He leaned over and wispered:
"You've got enough problems sitting along side you, I don't want to make more".

Now, that's man to man empathy. Those days are long gone.

john parslow
6th January 2014, 12:08
After nearly 50 years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed one evening, when the wife felt her husband, begin to massage her in ways he hadn't in quite some time.

It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began moving down past the small of her back.

He then caressed her shoulders and neck, slowly worked his hand down, stopping just over her stomach.

He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, working down her side, passing gently over her buttock and down her leg to her calf.

Then, he proceeded up her thigh, stopping just at the uppermost portion of her leg.

He continued in the same manner on her right side, then suddenly stopped, rolled over and became silent.

As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, she asked in a loving voice:

‘Honey that was wonderful. Why did you stop?'

To which he responded: 'I found the remote.'...

BabaRa
8th January 2014, 04:13
Two Norwegians are drinking in a bar. One says, "Did you know that elks have sex 10 to 15 times a day?"


"Aw crap..," says his friend, "and I just joined the Knights of Columbus!

modwiz
8th January 2014, 05:30
YOU JUST HAVE TO LAUGH DON'T YOU ...

BRAINS OF BRITAIN !

UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE (BBC2)

Jeremy Paxman: What is another name for 'cherrypickers' and 'cheesemongers'?
Contestant: Homosexuals.
Jeremy Paxman: No. They're regiments in the British Army who will be very upset with you.


BEG, BORROW OR STEAL (BBC2)

Jamie Theakston: Where do you think Cambridge University is?
Contestant: Geography isn't my strong point.
Jamie Theakston: There's a clue in the title.
Contestant: Leicester


BBC NORFOLK

Stewart White: Who had a worldwide hit with What A Wonderful World?
Contestant: I don't know.
Stewart White: I'll give you some clues: what do you call the part between your hand and your elbow?
Contestant: Arm
Stewart White: Correct. And if you're not weak, you're...?
Contestant: Strong.
Stewart White: Correct - and what was Lord Mountbatten's first name?
Contestant: Louis
Stewart White: Well, there we are then. So who had a worldwide hit with the song What A Wonderful World?
Contestant: Frank Sinatra?


LATE SHOW (BBC MIDLANDS )

Alex Trelinski: What is the capital of Italy ?
Contestant: France.
Trelinski: France is another country. Try again.
Contestant: Oh, um, Benidorm.
Trelinski: Wrong, sorry, let's try another question. In which country is the Parthenon?
Contestant: Sorry, I don't know.
Trelinski: Just guess a country then.
Contestant: Paris.


THE WEAKEST LINK (BBC2)

Anne Robinson: Oscar Wilde, Adolf Hitler and Jeffrey Archer have all written books about their experiences in what: - Prison, or the Conservative Party?
Contestant: The Conservative Party.


BEACON RADIO ( WOLVERHAMPTON )

DJ Mark: For 10, what is the nationality of the Pope?
Ruth from Rowley Regis: I think I know that one. Is it Jewish?


UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE

Bamber Gascoyne: What was Gandhi's first name?
Contestant: Goosey?


GWR FM ( Bristol )

Presenter: What happened in Dallas on November 22, 1963?
Contestant: I don't know, I wasn't watching it then.


PHIL WOOD SHOW (BBC RADIO? MANCHESTER)

Phil: What's 11 squared?
Contestant: I don't know.
Phil: I'll give you a clue. It's two ones with a two in the middle.
Contestant: Is it five?


RICHARD AND JUDY

Richard: Which American actor is married to Nicole Kidman?
Contestant: Forrest Gump.


RICHARD AND JUDY

Richard: On which street did Sherlock Holmes live?
Contestant: Er. ... ...
Richard: He makes bread . . ..
Contestant: Er .. ......
Richard: He makes cakes . . ..
Contestant: Kipling Street?


LINCS FM PHONE-IN

Presenter: Which is the largest Spanish-speaking country in the world?
Contestant: Barcelona.
Presenter: I was really after the name of a country.
Contestant: I'm sorry, I don't know the names of any countries in Spain ..


NATIONAL LOTTERY (BBC1)

Question: What is the world's largest continent?
Contestant: The Pacific.


ROCK FM ( PRESTON )

Presenter: Name a film starring Bob Hoskins that is also the name of a famous painting by Leonardo da Vinci.
Contestant: Who Framed Roger Rabbit?


THE BIGGEST GAME IN TOWN (ITV)

Steve Le Fevre: What was signed, to bring World War I to an end in 1918?
Contestant: Magna Carta?


JAMES O'BRIEN SHOW (LBC)

James O'Brien: How many kings of England have been called Henry?
Contestant: Er, well, I know there was a Henry the Eighth ... ER. ER ... Three?


CHRIS SEARLE SHOW (BBC RADIO BRISTOL )

Chris Searle: In which European country is Mount Etna ?
Caller: Japan.
Chris Searle: I did say which European country, so in case you didn't hear that, I can let you try again.
Caller: Er ........ Mexico ?


PAUL WAPPAT (BBC RADIO NEWCASTLE )

Paul Wappat: How long did the Six-Day War between Egypt and Israel last?
Contestant (long pause): Fourteen days.


DARYL DENHAM'S DRIVETIME (VIRGIN RADIO)

Daryl Denham: In which country would you spend shekels?
Contestant: Holland?
Daryl Denham: Try the next letter of the alphabet.
Contestant: Iceland? Ireland ?
Daryl Denham: (helpfully) It's a bad line. Did you say Israel ?
Contestant: No.


PHIL WOOD SHOW (BBC GMR)

Phil Wood: What 'K' could be described as the Islamic Bible?
Contestant: Er... .... ...
Phil Wood: It's got two syllables . . . Kor . .
Contestant: Blimey?
Phil Wood: Ha ha ha ha, no. The past participle of run . . .
Contestant: (Silence)
Phil Wood: OK, try it another way. Today I run, yesterday I . . .
Contestant: Walked?


THE VAULT

Melanie Sykes: What is the name given to the condition where the sufferer can fall asleep at any time?
Contestant: Nostalgia.


STEVE WRIGHT IN THE AFTERNOON (BBC RADIO 2)

Wright: Johnny Weissmuller died on this day. Which jungle-swinging character clad only in a loin cloth did he play?
Contestant: Jesus.

As Winston Churchill said: (Somewhat paraphrased) "Those who think democracy is a good idea have obviously not gone out and met the voters".

Even 'bad' people speak the truth sometimes.

Sooz
8th January 2014, 08:55
Two Norwegians are drinking in a bar. One says, "Did you know that elks have sex 10 to 15 times a day?"


"Aw crap..," says his friend, "and I just joined the Knights of Columbus!

OK folks, I don't get this one....can someone enlighten me?

I'm in the mood for light jovials....lol....

Sooz

john parslow
8th January 2014, 11:10
OK folks, I don't get this one....can someone enlighten me?

I'm in the mood for light jovials....lol....

Sooz

Hi Sooz

The Benevolent and Protective Order of Elks (BPOE; also often known as the Elks Lodge or simply The Elks) is an American fraternal order …

The Knights of Columbus is the world's largest Catholic fraternal service organization …

The first Norwegian was talking about elk the animal etc.

Love. JP

john parslow
8th January 2014, 11:41
NASA was interviewing professionals to be sent to Mars. Only one could go and couldn’t return to Earth.

The first applicant, an engineer, was asked how much he wanted to be paid for going. “A million dollars,” he answered, “because I want to donate it to M.I.T.”

The next applicant, a doctor, was asked the same question. He asked for $2 million. “I want to give a million to my family,” he explained, “and leave the other million for the advancement of medical research.”

The last applicant was a lawyer. When asked how much money he wanted, he whispered in the interviewer’s ear, “Three million dollars.”

“Why so much more than the others?” asked the interviewer.

The lawyer replied, “If you give me $3 million, I’ll give you $1 million, I’ll keep $1 million, and we’ll send the engineer to Mars.”

john parslow
10th January 2014, 18:53
A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day.

One day, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times.

When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side.

You know what?"

"What dear?" she asked gently, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.

”I think you're bad luck."

john parslow
11th January 2014, 10:31
A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively:

"Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?" She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs:

"No, I won't sleep with you tonight!" Everyone in the bar is now staring at them.

Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.

After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says:

"I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations."

To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean, £200?!"

BabaRa
11th January 2014, 18:33
A guy walks into a crowded bar, waving his model 1911 Colt .45 caliber pistol with an 8 shot clip, and yells, "Who in here has been scr*wing my wife?"

A voice from the back of the bar yells back, "You need more ammo."

norman
12th January 2014, 04:11
http://www.funnyandhappy.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/08/Funny-evolution-of-humans-and-TV-Lustige-Evolution-des-Menschen-und-TV-Dr%25C3%25B4le-%25C3%25A9volution-de-lhomme-et-de-la-t%25C3%25A9l%25C3%25A9vision-Srandovn%25C3%25AD-evoluce-lid%25C3%25AD-a-televize.jpg

BabaRa
13th January 2014, 06:29
A 54 year old woman had
A heart attack and was taken to the hospital.

While on the operating table she had a near death experience. Seeing God she asked "Is my time up?"

God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live."

Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a
Face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck. She even had
Someone come in and change her hair color and brighten her teeth! Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it.

After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing
The street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.

Arriving in front of God, she demanded, I thought you said I had
Another 43 years? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the
Ambulance?"

God replied: "I didn't recognize you."

john parslow
13th January 2014, 11:24
A man asked his wife what she'd like for her 40th birthday.

"I'd love to be six again," she replied.

On the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early and off they went to a local theme park.

What a day! He put her on every ride in the park: the Death Slide, the Screaming Loop, the Wall of Fear, everything there was! Wow!

Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park, her head reeling and her stomach upside down.

Right to a McDonald's they went, where her husband ordered her a Happy Meal along with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate shake.

Then, it was off to a movie - the latest Disney and what a fabulous adventure!

Finally, she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed.

He leaned over and lovingly asked, "Well, dear, what was it like being six again?" One eye opened.

"You idiot, I meant my dress size."

The moral of this story is: When a woman speaks and a man is actually listening, he will still get it wrong.

BabaRa
14th January 2014, 19:10
good news; just found out, "life is sexually transmitted".

john parslow
14th January 2014, 23:21
At last a guy has taken the time to write down all this. Finally, the guys' side of the story. We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side.

1. Men ARE not mind readers.

2. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

3. Crying is blackmail.

4. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

5. Yes and No are perfectly Acceptable answers to almost every question.

6. Come to us with a problem only If you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

7. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

8. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 Days.

9. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't Expect us to act like soap opera guys..

10. If something we said can be interpreted in two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

11. You can either ask us to do something Or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

12. Whenever possible , Please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

13. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.

14. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

15. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

16. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear.

17. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as football, cars, bikes or games

18. You have enough clothes.

19. You have too many shoes.

20. Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight; But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping. Pass this to as many men as you can - to give them a laugh. Pass this to as many women as you can - to give them a bigger laugh.

Apologies to the ladies, I know I can expect some flack for this one, love you all. JP

BabaRa
15th January 2014, 02:41
No Flack from this gal, John. I've seen it before and always thought it was hilarious and quite true.

Darn, now I'll probably get fleck from my own.:crazy: What was I thinking. Maybe this joke will divert them.



Doug Smith is on his deathbed, knows the end is near
His nurse, his wife, his daughter and 2 sons, are with him.

So, he says to them:

"Bernie, I want you to take the Mayfair houses."

"Sybil, take the apartments over in Pall Mall."

"Jamie, I want you to take the offices over in the City Centre."

"Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings on the banks of the Thames."

The nurse is just blown away by all this, and as Doug slips away, she says ,

"Mrs. Smith, your husband must have been such a hard-working man to have accumulated all this property".

Sarah replies, "Property? .... the arsehole had a paper route!"

Tonz
15th January 2014, 15:58
13. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we. jaaaaaaa


good one jp

john parslow
16th January 2014, 20:01
5 Minute Management Course

Lesson 1 :

A priest offered a Nun a lift.

She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.

The priest nearly had an accident.

After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg...

The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'

The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'

The priest apologised 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.'

Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.

On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.'

Moral of the story:
If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity..


Lesson 2 :

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.

They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.'

'Me first! Me first!' says the admin. clerk..… 'I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.' Poof! She's gone.

'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas, and the love of my life.' Poof! He's gone.

'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after lunch.'

Moral of the story:
Always let your boss have the first say.


Lesson 3

An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.

A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you and do nothing?' The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.'

So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.


Lesson 4
A turkey was chatting with a bull. 'I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree' sighed the turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy.'

'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull. It's full of nutrients.'

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.

The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch..

Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.

He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.

Moral of the story:
Bull **** might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there...


Lesson 5

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field.

While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.

As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realise how warm he was.

The dung was actually thawing him out!

He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.

Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

Moral of the story:
(1) Not everyone who ****s on you is your enemy.

(2) Not everyone who gets you out of **** is your friend.

(3) And when you're in deep ****, it's best to keep your mouth shut!

john parslow
18th January 2014, 14:29
A boss wondered why one of his most valued employees had not phoned in sick one day.

Having an urgent problem with one of the main computers,he dialed the employee's cell phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper.

"Hello."
"Is your daddy home?" he asked.
"Yes," whispered the small voice.
"May I talk with him?"
The child whispered, "No."

Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?"
"Yes," whispered the small voice.
"May I talk with her?"
Again the small voice whispered, "No."

Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, "Is anybody else there?"
"Yes," whispered the child, "a policeman"

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?"
"No, he's busy", whispered the child.
"Busy doing what?"
"Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman," the whisper answered.

Growing more worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, "What is that noise?"
"A helicopter." answered the whispering voice.
"What is going on there?" demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.

Again, whispering, the child answered, "The search team just landed the helicopter."

Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, "What are they searching for?"

Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle. "Me."

john parslow
20th January 2014, 20:41
A teenage boy had just passed his driving test and inquired of his father as to when they could discuss his use of the car.

His father said he'd make a deal with his son, "You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little, and get your hair cut. Then we'll talk about the car."

The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he'd settle for the offer, and they agreed on it.

After about six weeks his father said, "Son, you've brought your grades up and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I'm disappointed you haven't had your hair cut."

The boy said, "You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair, and there's even strong evidence that Jesus had long hair."

The father replies, "Did you also notice they all walked everywhere they went..?"

BabaRa
20th January 2014, 20:55
This may come as a surprise to those of you not living in las vegas,
but there are more catholic churches than casinos.

Not surprisingly, some worshipers atsunday services will give casino chips rather than cash when the basket is passed.

Since they get chips from many different casinos, the churches have devised a method to collect the offerings.

The churches send all their collected chips to a nearby franciscan monastery for sorting and then the chips are taken to the casinos of origin and cashed in.

This is done by the chip monks.

john parslow
20th January 2014, 23:26
Nice one Babara ... :ttr:

john parslow
23rd January 2014, 12:04
Why husbands try to avoid your questions!

WIFE: What would you do if i died? Would you get married again?

Husband: No...

Wife: Why not? Don't you like being married?

Husband: Of course i do.

Wife: Then why wouldn't you remarry?

Husband: OK, OK, I'd get married again...

Wife: Would you live in our house with your new Wife...?

Husband: Yes, it's a great house.

Wife: Would you let her drive my car?

Husband: Yes, its a new car, dear...

Wife: Would you give her my jewelry?

Husband: No.. I am sure she would want her own ...

Wife: Would she wear my shoes?

Husband: No, her size is '5'

Wife: --silence--

Husband: 'sh!t'...!!!

Tonz
23rd January 2014, 14:14
Wife: Would she wear my shoes?

Husband: No, her size is '5'

Wife: --silence--

Husband: 'sh!t'...!!!

''oop's'', we men are so innocent, we tend to tell as it is until we put our foot in it up to our ears.

norman
2nd February 2014, 06:02
https://lh4.googleusercontent.com/-1x2bYb-NZQ0/UhZd6BbRNLI/AAAAAAAAAfo/j1Y5WdVrxZA/s600/you-never-learn-do-you_260312-600x.jpg

Sooz
2nd February 2014, 09:15
I was surfing today, researching hemp seed oil for building hair health, and I stumbled upon this forum.

I was laughing so hard at this, I was crying.

Scroll down to weedy McBong and John Behr posts (Hilarious):

http://www.420magazine.com/forums/medical-marijuana-facts-information/76030-does-cannabis-help-prevent-hair-loss.html

BabaRa
4th February 2014, 00:18
An old German Shepherd starts chasing rabbits and before long, discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a panther heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.

The old German Shepherd thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep do-do now!"

Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the panther is about to leap, the old German Shepherd exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious panther! I wonder, if there are any more around here?"

Hearing this, the young panther halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees.

"Whew!," says the panther, "That was close! That old German Shepherd nearly had me!"


Meanwhile, a squirrel who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the panther. So, off he goes.

The squirrel soon catches up with the panther, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the panther.


The young panther is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, squirrel, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!"

Now, the old German Shepherd sees the panther coming with the squirrel on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?," but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old German Shepherd says...

"Where's that squirrel? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another panther!"

Moral of this story...Don't mess with the old dogs.. Age and skill will always overcome youth and treachery!
Brilliance only comes with age and experience.

john parslow
4th February 2014, 11:22
Apologies to all Blondes ...

Three blondes are attempting to change a light bulb. One of them decides to call the Police.

Blonde: "We need help. We're three blondes changing a light bulb."

Operator: "Hmmmmm. You put in a fresh bulb?"

Blonde: "Yes."

Operator: "The power in the house in on?"

Blonde: "Of course."

Operator: "And the switch is on?"

Blonde: "Yes, yes."

Operator: "And the bulb still won't light up?"

Blonde: "No, it's working fine."

Operator: "Then what's the problem?"

Blonde: "We got dizzy spinning the ladder around, and we all fell and hurt ourselves!"

BabaRa
5th February 2014, 20:14
I couldn’t help but over-hear two guys in their mid-twenties while sitting at a bar.

One of the guys says to his buddy, "Man you look tired."

His buddy says, "Dude I'm exhausted. My girlfriend and I have sex all the time. I just don't know what to do."

A fellow about my age (75), sitting a couple of stools down had also over-heard the conversation. He looked over at the two young men and with the wisdom of years says,

"Marry her. That'll put a stop to that ****!"

john parslow
7th February 2014, 10:31
Not so much a Joke, more a way of life …

EATING IN THE UK IN THE FIFTIES

Pasta had not been invented.
Curry was a surname.
A takeaway was a mathematical problem.
A pizza was something to do with a leaning tower.
Bananas and oranges only appeared at Christmas time.
All crisps were plain and came with a little bag containing a twist of salt; the only choice we had was whether to put the salt on or not.
A Chinese chippy was a foreign carpenter.
Rice was a milk pudding, and never, ever part of our dinner.
A Big Mac was what we wore when it was raining.
Brown bread was something only poor people ate.
Oil was for lubricating, fat was for cooking
Tea was made in a teapot using tea leaves and never green.
Coffee was Camp, and came in a bottle.
Cubed sugar was regarded as posh.
Only Heinz made beans.
Fish didn't have fingers in those days.
Eating raw fish was called poverty, not sushi.
None of us had ever heard of yoghurt.
Healthy food consisted of anything edible.
People who didn't peel potatoes were regarded as lazy.
Indian restaurants were only found in India.
Cooking outside was called camping.
Seaweed was not a recognized food.
"Kebab" was not even a word never mind a food.
Sugar enjoyed a good press in those days, and was regarded as being white gold.
Prunes were medicinal.
Surprisingly, muesli was readily available, it was called cattle-feed.
Pineapple came sliced in a tin; we had only seen pictures of real ones
Water came out of the tap, if someone had suggested bottling it and charging more for it than for petrol, they would have been a laughing stock.
The one thing that we never ever had on our table in the Fifties .. Was elbows!

Altaira
7th February 2014, 10:56
\\this is a really good one John, and it sums up almost all that happened since then.

john parslow
9th February 2014, 20:31
Here's one for the aussies:

BILLY’S GAY DANCER DAD.

Billy was at school this morning and the teacher asked all the children what their fathers did for a living.

All the typical answers came out – fireman, policeman, salesman, tradesman etc ..etc.,

but Billy was being uncharacteristically quiet and so the teacher asked him about his father.

“My father is an exotic dancer in a gay club and takes off all his clothes in front of other men.

Sometimes if the offer is really good, he’ll go out with a man, rent a cheap hotel room and let them sleep with him.

The teacher quickly set the other children some work to do and took Billy aside to ask him was that really true.

“No” said Billy, “He plays cricket for England but I was just too embarrassed to say” ...

john parslow
9th February 2014, 22:33
Condoms don't guarantee safe sex! A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot dead by the woman's husband.

A government survey has shown that 91% of illegal immigrants come to Britain so that they can see their own doctor.

Due to the current economic crisis Greece is cancelling all production of houmous and taramasalata It's a double dip recession.

A dwarf goes to a very good but very busy doctor and asks "I know you are busy but do you treat dwarves?"

The doctor replies "Yes, but you will have to be a little patient".

In hindsight I should have posted my Facebook status as: "I've blown the head gasket on my 1997 XR3i" rather than "I've just buggered a 14 year old escort".

The police still haven't seen the funny side, my lap top's been confiscated, and the wife has gone off to her mum's ...

norman
9th February 2014, 23:29
http://i.imgur.com/o6EwI0h.gif

Healthy Skeptic
10th February 2014, 10:45
http://i41.photobucket.com/albums/e262/pparbo99/Untitledattachment00031_zps5fc730a2.jpg (http://s41.photobucket.com/user/pparbo99/media/Untitledattachment00031_zps5fc730a2.jpg.html)

john parslow
11th February 2014, 23:37
Larry wakes up at home with a huge hangover.

He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table.

He sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed.

Larry looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotless, clean.

So is the rest of the house.

He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table: “Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping. Love you.”

So he goes to the kitchen, and sure enough there is a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper.

His son is also at the table, eating.

Larry asks, “Son, what happened last night?”

His son says, “Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and delirious, broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the door.”

Confused, Larry asks, “So, why is everything in order and so clean, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?”

His son replies, “Oh, that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you said, “Lady, leave me alone, I’m married’!”

BabaRa
18th February 2014, 20:56
His request approved, the CNN News photographer quickly used a cell phone to call the local airport to charter a flight.

He was told a twin-engine plane would be waiting for him at the airport.

Arriving at the airfield, he spotted a plane warming up outside a hanger.

He jumped in with his bag, slammed the door shut, and shouted, 'Let's go'.

The pilot taxied out, swung the plane into the wind and took off.

Once in the air, the photographer instructed the pilot, 'Fly over the valley and make low passes so I can take pictures of the fires on the hillsides.'

'Why?' asked the pilot.

'Because I'm a photographer for CNN', he responded, 'and I need to get some close up shots.'

The pilot was strangely silent for a moment, finally he stammered, 'So, what you're telling me, is . . .. You're NOT my flight instructor?'

"Life is short. Drink the good wine first"

john parslow
18th February 2014, 22:53
"Life is short. Drink the good wine first" Love that line Barbara!

john parslow
19th February 2014, 23:07
THE SHOEBOX

A man and woman had been married for more than 60 years. They had shared everything. They had talked about everything. They had kept no secrets from each other except that the little old woman had a shoe box in the top of her closet that she had cautioned her husband never to open or ask her about.

For all of these years, he had never thought about the box, but one day the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said she would not recover.

In trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man took down the shoe box and took it to his wife's bedside. She agreed that it was time that he should know what was in the box. When he opened it, he found two crocheted dolls and a stack of money totaling $95,000.

He asked her about the contents:

'When we were to be married,' she said, ' my grandmother told me the secret of a happy marriage was to never argue. She told me that if I ever got angry with you, I should just keep quiet and crochet a doll.'

The little old man was so moved; he had to fight back tears. Only two Precious dolls were in the box. She had only been angry with him twice in all those years of living and loving. He almost burst with Happiness.

'Honey,' he said, 'that explains the doll, but what about all of this money? Where did it come from?'

'Oh,' she said, 'that's the money I made from selling the dolls.' ...

BabaRa
20th February 2014, 18:35
If at first you don't succeed
skydiving is not for you.

Fred Steeves
20th February 2014, 18:56
Like New Parachute For Sale: $500 OBO

Used only once, never opened.

For demo appt. call 555-1212

Highland1
21st February 2014, 12:13
An English man and an Irish man are driving head on, at night, on a twisty, dark road. Both are driving too fast for the conditions and collide on a sharp bend in the road. To the amazement of both, they are unscathed, though their cars are both destroyed. In celebration of their luck, both agree to put aside their dislike for the other from that moment on. At this point, the Irish man goes to the boot and fetches a 12 year old bottle of Jameson whiskey. He hands the bottle to the English man, whom exclaims,'' may the English and the Irish live together forever, in peace, and harmony.'' The English man then tips the bottle and lashes half of it down. Still flabbergasted over the whole thing, he goes to hand the bottle to the Irish man, whom replies: '' no thanks, I'll just wait till the police get here!''

Russ

Highland1
21st February 2014, 12:15
Oops, sorry, double post.


Russ

BabaRa
21st February 2014, 19:12
One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift...

The next year, I didn’t buy her a gift.

When she asked me why, I replied,

“Well, you still haven’t used the gift I bought you last year!”

And that’s how the fight started.....

norman
27th February 2014, 14:17
http://www.oshonews.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/09/facebook-sin.jpg

Highland1
27th February 2014, 16:27
This moooved me......

395

TWO COWS ~{Matthias Varga}

SOCIALISM
You have 2 cows.
You give one to your neighbour

COMMUNISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and gives you some milk

FASCISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and sells you some milk

NAZISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and shoots you

BUREAUCRATISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and then
throws the milk away

TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies, and the economy
grows.
You sell them and retire on the income

ROYAL BANK OF SCOTLAND (VENTURE) CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by
your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption
for five cows.
The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company.
The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. You sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States , leaving you with nine cows. No balance sheet provided with the release.
The public then buys your bull.

SURREALISM
You have two giraffes.
The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one, and force the other to
produce the milk of four cows.
Later, you hire a consultant to analyse why
the cow has dropped dead.

A GREEK CORPORATION
You have two cows. You borrow lots of euros to build barns, milking sheds, hay stores, feed sheds,
dairies, cold stores, abattoir, cheese unit and packing sheds.
You still only have two cows.

A FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You go on strike, organise a riot, and block the roads, because you want three
cows.

A JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce
twenty times the milk.
You then create a clever cow cartoon image called a Cowkimona and
market it worldwide.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows,
but you don't know where they are.
You decide to have lunch.

A SWISS CORPORATION
You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you.
You charge the owners for storing them.

A CHINESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You have 300 people milking them.
You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity.
You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.

AN INDIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You worship them.

A BRITISH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Both are mad.

AN IRAQI CORPORATION
Everyone thinks you have lots of cows.
You tell them that you have none.
No-one believes you, so they bomb the ** out of you and invade your country.
You still have no cows, but at least you are now a Democracy.

AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Business seems pretty good.
You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate.

A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION
You have two cows.
The one on the left looks very attractive...


Sorry if this has already been posted folks but it is a very long thread.....!

Russ

BabaRa
27th February 2014, 18:38
OMG Russ, that was hysterical . . . . and eerily true.

Can't decide if I should laugh or cry.

Highland1
27th February 2014, 20:28
Can't decide if I should laugh or cry.

I suppose that would depend what mooo'd your in Babs! :hilarious:

Russ

BabaRa
27th February 2014, 21:27
Apolitical Aphorisms


The problem with political jokes is they get elected.
~Henry Cate, VII~

We hang the petty thieves and appoint the great ones to public office
~Aesop~

If we got one-tenth of what was promised to us in these State of the Union speeches, there wouldn't be any inducement to go to heaven.
~Will Rogers~

Politicians are the same all over. They promise to build a bridge even where there is no river.
~Nikita Khrushchev~

When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President; I'm beginning to believe it.
~Clarence Darrow~

Why pay money to have your family tree traced; go into politics and your opponents will do it for you.
~Author unknown~

Politicians are people who, when they see light at the end of the tunnel, go out and buy some more tunnel.
~John Quinton~

Politics is the gentle art of getting votes from the poor and campaign funds from the rich, by promising to protect each from the other.
~Oscar Ameringer~

I offer my opponents a bargain: if they will stop telling lies about us, I will stop telling the truth about them.
~Adlai Stevenson, campaign speech, 1952~

A politician is a fellow who will lay down your life for his country.
~ Tex Guinan~

I have come to the conclusion that politics is too serious a matter to be left to the politicians.
~Charles de Gaulle~

Instead of giving a politician the keys to the city, it might be better to change the locks.
~Doug Larson~

There ought to be one day -- just one -- when there is open season on Congressmen.
~Will Rogers~

BabaRa
1st March 2014, 00:22
There once was an Indian who had only one testicle - And whose given name was 'Onestone'.

He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone.

After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said,' If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!'

The word got around and nobody called him that any more.

Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said, 'Good morning, Onestone.'

He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest where he made love to her all day and all night.

He made love to her all the next day, Until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.

The word got around that Onestone meant what he promised he would do.

Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until a woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away.

Yellow Bird, who was BlueBird's cousin, Was overjoyed when she saw Onestone.

She hugged him and said, 'Good to see you, Onestone.'

Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest, then he made love to her all day, and all night


Made love to her all the next day, Made love to her all the next night, but YellowBird wouldn't die!

Why ??

Everyone knows... You can't kill two Birds with OneStone!!!

Highland1
2nd March 2014, 09:56
402

Russ

Seikou-Kishi
2nd March 2014, 10:37
Here you go, Russ, if you like blonde jokes ;-)

http://img691.imageshack.us/img691/1853/kzko.jpg

Kids being endearingly oblivious:

http://img541.imageshack.us/img541/1069/pzwt.jpg

Just so the brunettes don't feel left out:

http://img842.imageshack.us/img842/9835/5rnl.jpg

Good intentions don't overcome racial normativity:

http://img560.imageshack.us/img560/216/hxs8.jpg

One for our Christian friends:

http://img401.imageshack.us/img401/2815/z4w6.jpg

And finally, how France got its flag:

http://img822.imageshack.us/img822/4039/orb2.jpg

john parslow
3rd March 2014, 17:37
An elderly man is stopped by the police about 2 a.m., and is asked where he is going at this time of night.

I am on my way to lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late!

The officer the asks: “Really! Who is giving that lecture at this time of the night?”

The man replies: “That would be my wife.”

norman
4th March 2014, 18:48
http://pagosasprings.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/01/cat.jpg

Highland1
5th March 2014, 02:24
433

Russ

Highland1
7th March 2014, 14:06
Just in case you are wondering......:p

447

Russ

Tonz
8th March 2014, 14:33
Hope this is not too strong, if so, delete mods......

A study was done useing a simple interview with couples together form one year,then those together 10 years , 20,and finally 30 years.
the question was how is there sex life and where do they practice it?

the results were clearly as follows,
the couple with one year had sex all the time and it didn't matter where, in the kitchen , bathroom , laundry ,in bed ,on the sofa , on the table , in the car ...

the couple with ten years had sex mostly in bed but occasionally in the lounge....

the couple with 20 years had sex only in bed and only occasionally....

the couple with 30 years said that the closest they get to sex is saying f***you ,no f*** you too !as they past by each other in the hallway.

BabaRa
9th March 2014, 19:00
Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after
His Sunday morning service, and she's in tears.
He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?"
She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news.
My husband passed away last night."
The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible.
Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?"
She says, "That he did, Father."
The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary? "
She says, He said,
'Please Mary, put down that gun...'

norman
9th March 2014, 19:55
http://static.fjcdn.com/pictures/deja+poo.+everytime+i+see+a+repost_88e5cc_3657911. jpg

BabaRa
11th March 2014, 01:28
Make love, not
war.
Hell, do
both
GET MARRIED!

sign in Women's restroom
The Filling Station, Bozeman , MT

Highland1
12th March 2014, 18:15
Hey ladies, if its a warm summer this is a cert for some extra cash! :hilarious:


472


Russ :whstl:

Altaira
13th March 2014, 14:54
Russ this joke is a bit off the nice side or it is just me that finds it a bit too sexist. Sorry bro, no offence I'm just saying how I see it. But I am not in a good mood though.

Anyway here is what I fount and I think it is amusing.

https://fbcdn-sphotos-c-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-frc1/t1.0-9/1970850_587847554643828_2106184190_n.jpg

Seikou-Kishi
14th March 2014, 04:48
Russ this joke is a bit off the nice side or it is just me that finds it a bit too sexist. Sorry bro, no offence I'm just saying how I see it. But I am not in a good mood though.

Anyway here is what I fount and I think it is amusing.

It doesn't look like she's being forced. If a woman does something of her own free will, it would be more sexist to tell her she couldn't do it because she was a woman :-)

john parslow
14th March 2014, 21:53
As reported in the newspaper...

Commenting on a complaint from a Mr. Arthur Purdey about a large gas bill, a spokesman for North West Gas said, "We agree it was rather high for the time of year. It's possible Mr. Purdey has been charged for the gas used up during the explosion that destroyed his house."

(The Daily Telegraph)

_____

Irish police are being handicapped in a search for a stolen van, because they cannot issue a description. It's a Special Branch vehicle and they don't want the public to know what it looks like.

(The Guardian)

_____


At the height of the gale, the harbourmaster radioed a coastguard and asked him to estimate the wind speed. He replied he was sorry, but he didn't have a gauge. However, if it was any help, the wind had just blown his Land Rover off the cliff.

( Aberdeen Evening Express)

_____


Mrs. Irene Graham of Thorpe Avenue , Boscombe, delighted the audience with her reminiscence of the German prisoner of war who was sent each week to do her garden. He was repatriated at the end of 1945, she recalled. "He'd always seemed a nice friendly chap, but when the crocuses came up in the middle of our lawn in February 1946, they spelt out 'Heil Hitler.'"

( Bournemouth Evening Echo)

____
AND .................................................. .....

A list of actual announcements that London Tube drivers have made to their

passengers...


"Ladies and Gentlemen, I do apologise for the delay to your service. I know you're all dying to get home, unless, of course, you happen to be married to my ex-wife, in which case you'll want to cross over to the Westbound and go in the opposite direction."
____


"Your delay this evening is caused by the line controller suffering from E & B syndrome: not knowing his elbow from his backside. I'll let you know any further information as soon as I'm given any."
_____

"Let the passengers off the train FIRST!" (Pause.) "Oh go on then, stuff yourselves in like sardines, see if I care -- I'm going home...."
_____


"We can't move off because some idiot has their hand stuck in the door."

_____

"Please move all baggage away from the doors." (Pause..) "Please move ALL belongings away from the doors." (Pause...) "This is a personal message to the man in the brown suit wearing glasses at the rear of the train: Put the pie down, Four-eyes, and move your bloody golf clubs away from the door before I come down there and shove them up your arse sideways!"

john parslow
15th March 2014, 22:45
Once again folks, apologies to all blondes ...

A PLANE IS ON ITS WAY TO CHICAGO WHEN A BLONDE IN ECONOMY CLASS GETS UP, AND MOVES TO THE FIRST CLASS SECTION AND SITS DOWN.

THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT WATCHES HER DO THIS, AND ASKS TO SEE HER TICKET. SHE THEN TELLS THE BLONDE THAT SHE PAIDFOR ECONOMY CLASS, AND THAT SHE WILL HAVE TO SIT IN THE BACK.

THE BLONDE REPLIES, "I'M BLONDE, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M GOING TO CHICAGO AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE."

THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT GOES INTO THE COCKPIT AND TELLS THE PILOT AND THE CO-PILOT THAT THERE IS A BLONDE BIMBO SITTING IN FIRST CLASS, THAT BELONGS IN ECONOMY, AND WON'T MOVE BACK TO HER SEAT.

THE CO-PILOT GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND TRIES TO EXPLAIN THAT BECAUSE SHE ONLY PAID FOR ECONOMY SHE WILL HAVE TO LEAVE AND RETURN TO HER SEAT.

THE BLONDE REPLIES, "I'M BLONDE, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M GOING TO CHICAGO AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE."

THE CO-PILOT TELLS THE PILOT THAT HE PROBABLY SHOULD HAVE THE POLICE WAITING WHEN THEY LAND TO ARREST THIS BLONDE WOMAN, WHO WON'T LISTEN TO REASON.

THE PILOT SAYS, "YOU SAY SHE IS A BLONDE? I'LL HANDLE THIS, I'M MARRIED TO A BLONDE. I SPEAK BLONDE."

HE GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND WHISPERS IN HER EAR, AND SHE SAYS, "OH, I'M SORRY." AND GETS UP AND GOES BACK TO HER SEAT IN ECONOMY.

THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT AND CO-PILOT ARE AMAZED AND ASKED HIM WHAT HE SAID TO MAKE HER MOVE WITHOUT ANY FUSS.












"I TOLD HER . . . FIRST CLASS ISN'T GOING TO CHICAGO."

BabaRa
16th March 2014, 00:04
Two boys were walking home from Sunday school
after hearing a strong preaching on the devil.

One said to the other, 'What do you think about
all this Satan stuff?'

The other boy replied, 'Well, you know how
Santa Claus turned out.

It's probably just your Dad.'

BabaRa
16th March 2014, 00:21
A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than do the men who mention it.

Fred Steeves
17th March 2014, 20:46
486

Altaira
17th March 2014, 23:14
https://scontent-a-lhr.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ash3/t1.0-9/1959672_590226277739289_662820435_n.jpg

norman
17th March 2014, 23:30
Please remove if not appropriate:

https://fbcdn-sphotos-e-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-ash3/t1.0-9/p180x540/1383218_535137229906333_1734099236_n.jpg

Altaira
21st March 2014, 11:08
This is not a joke but I wasn't sure where it will fit better.

https://fbcdn-sphotos-e-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-ash3/t1.0-9/1908230_539874796125965_1528601457_n.jpg

Spiral
21st March 2014, 20:39
A letter from Walmart


Dear Mrs. Woolf,

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Woolf, are listed below and are "documented by our video surveillance cameras":

1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5- minute intervals.

3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted in management getting involved causing management to lose time and costing the company money.

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to reserve a bag of chips.

6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers they could come in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department - to which twenty children obliged.

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' Emergency Medics were called.

9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose. 10. September

10: While handling guns in the Sports department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. October 3: Darted around the Store suspiciously while loudly humming the ' Mission Impossible' theme.

12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.

13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14. October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed the fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!

15. Took a box of condoms to the checkout clerk and asked where the fitting room was. And last, but not least:

16. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, and then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' One of the Staff passed out.

Ria
21st March 2014, 20:52
A letter from Walmart

It sounds a lot of fun being Mr Woolf.

norman
22nd March 2014, 10:16
Lawyers should never ask a Georgia grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.

In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?' She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.'

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?'

She again replied, 'Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a
youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.'

The defense attorney nearly died.

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said,

'If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair.

https://scontent-b-lhr.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-frc3/t1.0-9/404539_10151330589618089_1007344250_n.jpg

john parslow
28th March 2014, 16:59
I THINK YOU’RE THE FATHER OF ONE OF MY KIDS!

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him. She says hello.

He is rather taken aback because he can’t place where he knows her from. So he says:

“Do you know me?”

To which she replies:

“I think you’re the father of one of my kids.”

Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and he says:

“My God are the stripper from the bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery?”

She looked into his eyes and said calmly:

No! I’m your son’s teacher …

BabaRa
31st March 2014, 20:57
A woman went to a pet shop and spotted a large, beautiful parrot.
There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00.

"Why so little?" she asked the pet store owner.
The owner looked at her and said, "Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of prostitution, and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff."

The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird anyway. She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something.

The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said,
"New house, new madam."

The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought "That's really not so bad."

When her two teenage daughters returned from school, the bird saw them and said, "New house, new madam, new girls."

The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation considering how and where the parrot had been raised.

Moments later, the woman's husband Keith came home from work.
The bird looked at him and said,

"Hi Keith."

john parslow
1st April 2014, 15:44
ALWAYS WEAR UNDERPANTS!

Always wear clean underwear in public, especially when working under your vehicle.

From the Daily Telegraph comes this story of a Sydney couple Who drove their car to Westfield Blacktown, only to have their car break down in the car park.

The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the Car.

The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car. On closer inspection, she saw a pair of hairy legs protruding from under the chassis.

Unfortunately, although the man was in shorts, his lack of nderpants turned his private parts into glaringly public ones..

Unable to stand the embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward, Quickly put her hand up his shorts, and tucked everything back into pace.

On regaining her feet, she looked across the bonnet and found herself staring at her husband who was standing idly by watching.

The AA mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his forehead ...

Altaira
2nd April 2014, 00:11
https://fbcdn-sphotos-d-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-frc3/t1.0-9/969918_695012927207447_2126918579_n.jpg

norman
5th April 2014, 12:18
https://fbcdn-sphotos-b-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-prn1/t1.0-9/1551543_793090497384184_1684189429_n.jpg

ronin
5th April 2014, 12:39
this is a story that happened to me about three years ago.

i had on my mobile phone Yoda,s voice saying "message from the darkside there is".
so basically everytime i received a message on the phone,Yoda would say this.

at that time i was invited to a spiritualist church for development within the spiritual circle.
so we are about halfway through the session and guess what.

message from the darkside there is.

well i got dirty disgusted looks of shock and horror.
i was told to turn my phone off because it could cause heart attacks whilst spirits are contacting mediums.

i just thought well the spirits have a sense of humor and know how to use mobile phones.

still makes me chuckle today.thought i would share.:D

john parslow
6th April 2014, 10:40
IDIOT SIGHTING 1

My daughter and I went through the McDonald's take-away window and I gave the girl a £5 note. Our total was £4.20, so I also handed her a twenty-pence piece.

She said, 'You gave me too much money.'

I said, 'Yes, I know, but this way you can just give me £1 back.'

She sighed and went to get the manager who asked me to repeat my request. I did so, and he handed me back the 20 pence and said 'We're sorry but we can't do that kind of thing.'

The girl then proceeded to give me back 80 pence in change.

Do not confuse the girls at MacD's.


IDIOT SIGHTING 2

We had to have the garage door repaired. The Garador repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a 'large' enough motor on the opener.

I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one Garador made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower.

He shook his head and said, 'Sir, you need a ¼ horsepower.' I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4 and he said, 'NOOO, it's not. Four is larger than two.'

We haven't used Garador repair since. Happened in Bromley, Kent.


IDIOT SIGHTING 3

I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbour call the Highways Department to request the removal of the DEER CROSSING sign on our road.

The reason: 'Too many deer are being hit by cars out here! I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore.'

Story from Crayford, Kent.


IDIOT SIGHTING 4

My daughter went to a local Kentucky Fried and ordered a Mexican taco. She asked the person behind the counter for "minimum lettuce." He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg lettuce.

From Gillingham, Kent.


IDIOT SIGHTING 5

I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an Irish airport employee asked, 'Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?'

To which I replied, 'If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?'

He smiled knowingly and nodded, 'That's why we ask.'

Happened at Luton Airport, UK.

IDIOT SIGHTING 6

The stop light on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged co-worker of mine. She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for.

I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red.

Appalled, she responded, 'What on earth are blind people doing driving?!'

She is a Local County Council employee in Dartford, Kent.


IDIOT SIGHTING 7

When my wife and I arrived at our local Ford dealer to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver’s side door.

As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. 'Hey,' I announced to the mechanic, 'It's open!'

His reply, 'I know. I already did that side.'

This was at the Ford dealership in St Albans, Hertfordshire, UK.

STAY ALERT!

They walk among us ... and the scary part is that is they have the right to VOTE and REPRODUCE!

modwiz
6th April 2014, 12:20
Reading this page had tears rolling down my eyes and paroxysms of laughter. I read it from bottom up starting with the idiots post, each one a perfect groan and faceplam humor example. Loved it. Then I got to post #99 and "lost it". Moving to Babs' #98 had me holding onto my seat. By the time I got to Norman's witness post I almost lost consciousness.:ok: Spiral's Mr Woolf joke had three moments of descent into laugh hysteria.

It was quite a workout and powerful "medicine". Glad I chose to investigate this thread again.

john parslow
6th April 2014, 15:22
Hey Mr. Wizard, as we all know; laughter is good for the soul ... JP

Tonz
7th April 2014, 15:33
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j8Bc7eRTdWY

john parslow
7th April 2014, 20:40
IDIOT SIGHTING ADDENDUM

My next door neighbour recently had a complete new kitchen installed.

Firstly, the Installers fitted the cooker and installed the main switch beside and lower than the level of the cooker.

Then they fitted a multi-cabinet next to the cooker, so when the Householder closed the cutlery draw, it switched off the cooker ...!!

You just couldn't make it up :ha:

john parslow
8th April 2014, 10:07
A guy named David received a parrot for his birthday. The parrot was fully grown, with a bad attitude and worse vocabulary. Every other word was an expletive. Those that weren't expletives were, to say the least, rude. David tried hard to change the bird's attitude and was constantly saying polite words, playing soft music, anything he could think of to try and set a good example.

Noting worked. He yelled at the bird and the bird yelled back. He shook the bird and the bird just got more angry and more rude. Finally, in a moment of desperation, David put the parrot in the freezer.

For a few moments he heard the bird squawk and kick and scream. Then suddenly there was quiet. Not a sound for half a minute. David was frightened that he might have hurt the bird and quickly opened the freezer door. The parrot calmly stepped out onto David's extended arm and said, "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I will endeavor at once to correct my behavior. I really am truly sorry and beg your forgiveness."

David was astonished at the bird's change in attitude and was about to ask what had made such a dramatic change when the parrot continued, "May I ask what the chicken did?"

Tonz
13th April 2014, 01:17
post this a link not a direct vid as the text is with course language so enter with that in mind.

http://www.youtube.com/embed/Dl1i656Ja2I?rel=0

Highland1
1st May 2014, 11:54
569

Its a gloomy wet rainy misty day here in Yorkshire, a little mirth is needed...:tiphat:

Russ

The One
1st May 2014, 21:50
LMAO LOL

A man escapes from a prison where he’s been locked up for 15 years.
He breaks into a house and inside, he finds a young couple in bed.
He ties him to a chair. While tying the wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
While he’s in there, the husband whispers over to his wife,
“Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He’s probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn’t seen a woman in years.
I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don’t resist, don’t complain. Do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he’ll kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you!”

She responds: “He wasn’t kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he’s gay, thinks you’re cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you, too.”

markoid
3rd May 2014, 00:22
http://i302.photobucket.com/albums/nn100/markoid/EjlSN.jpg

markoid
3rd May 2014, 00:25
http://i302.photobucket.com/albums/nn100/markoid/LionWarning.jpg

--------------------------------------------------------

http://i302.photobucket.com/albums/nn100/markoid/glass-full.jpg

norman
4th May 2014, 00:29
Image removed due to prominent F word.

KosmicKat
5th May 2014, 13:04
For anyone who hasn't encountered a percussionist joke before:


How do you make a drummer keep playing? Glare at them and make frantic gestures indicating that they should stop.
Why are percussionists the only musicians who have no problems with 7/8 beats? Because they count: one-two-three-four-five-six-se-ven-one-two...
Did you hear about the time the bass player locked his keys in the car? Yeah, it took two hours to get the drummer out.
How can you tell a drummer's at the door? The knocking speeds up.
What do you call a drummer that breaks up with his girlfriend? Homeless.
What do you say to a drummer in a three-piece suit? "Will the defendant please rise?"
What is the difference between a drummer and a savings bond? One will mature and make money.
We know a guy who was so dumb his teacher gave him two sticks and he became a drummer, but lost one and became a conductor.

norman
18th May 2014, 08:51
10 Jokes Only Engineers Will Understand. Who Says Engineers Don’t Have A Sense Of Humor?



1. Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it.

Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.


2. To the optimist, the glass is half-full.
To the pessimist, the glass is half-empty.
To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

3. A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!"
The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!"
The priest said, "Here comes the green-keeper. Let's have a word with him."
He said, "Hello George, what's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"
The green-keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind firemen. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."
The group fell silent for a moment.
The priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."
The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything he can do for them."
The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"

4. What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers?
Mechanical engineers build weapons. Civil engineers build targets.

5. The graduate with a science degree asks, "Why does it work?"
The graduate with an engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"
The graduate with an accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"
The graduate with an arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"

6. Three engineering students were gathered together discussing who must have designed the human body.
One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints."
Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections."
The last one said, "No, actually it had to have been a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"

7. Knock knock. Who's there? Interrupting coefficient of friction. Interrupting coefficient of fri.... mmmuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu (μ)

8. Two engineering students were walking across a university campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"
The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."
The first engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit you anyway."


9. An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.
The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you for one week and do ANYTHING you want."
Again, the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.
Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess and that I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"
The engineer said, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool."

10. A wife asks her husband, a software engineer...
"Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk, and if they have eggs, get 6!" A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk. The wife asks him, "Why the hell did you buy 6 cartons of milk?" He replied, "They had eggs."

BabaRa
20th May 2014, 20:06
Things are rarely the way they seem!

http://images.craigslist.org/01010_cJcgnGg3OdN_600x450.jpg

jimmer
21st May 2014, 00:28
https://lh5.googleusercontent.com/-bZe4hloZMV0/UFN9F8Ai8ZI/AAAAAAAAGnM/tncIfEGoZT0/w426-h288/Jogger-jealousy-headshot-KO.gif

john parslow
5th June 2014, 08:16
A friend went to Beijing recently and was given this brochure by the hotel. It is precious. She is keeping it and reading it whenever she feels depressed. Obviously, it has been translated directly, word for word from Mandarin to English.

Getting There:
Our representative will make you wait at the airport. The bus to the hotel runs along the lake shore. Soon you will feel
pleasure in passing water. You will know that you are getting near the hotel, because you will go round the bend. The
manager will await you in the entrance hall. He always tries to have intercourse with all new guests.

The Hotel:
This is a family hotel, so children are very welcome. We of course are always pleased to accept adultery. Highly skilled
nurses are available in the evenings to put down your children. Guests are invited to conjugate in the bar and expose
themselves to others. But please note that ladies are not allowed to have babies in the bar. We organize social games,
so no guest is ever left alone to play with them self.

The Restaurant:
Our menus have been carefully chosen to be ordinary and unexciting. At dinner, our quartet will circulate from table
to table, and fiddle with you.

Your Room:
Every room has excellent facilities for your private parts. In winter, every room is on heat. Each room has a balcony
offering views of outstanding obscenity! .. You will not be disturbed by traffic noise, since the road between the hotel
and the lake is used only by pederasts.

Bed:
Your bed has been made in accordance with local tradition. If you have any other ideas please ring for the chambermaid.
Please take advantage of her. She will be very pleased to squash your shirts, blouses and underwear. If asked, she will
also squeeze your trousers.

Above All:
When you leave us at the end of your holiday, you will have no hope. You will struggle to forget it.

SiriArc
5th June 2014, 08:23
Don't Need No Stinkin' (http://www.nobledreams.co.uk/viewtopic.php?id=2327)

john parslow
5th June 2014, 10:29
Don't Need No Stinkin' (http://www.nobledreams.co.uk/viewtopic.php?id=2327)

??? :scrhd:

markoid
13th June 2014, 11:45
SEX AT 82!


I just took a leaflet out of my mailbox, informing me that I can have sex at 82!


I'm sooooo happy, because I live at 73 ... so it's not far to walk home afterwards!

markoid
13th June 2014, 11:48
I was in a restaurant yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to fart. The music was really, really loud, so I timed my farts with the beat of the music.

After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my coffee, and noticed that everybody was staring at me....

Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.

Sooz
13th June 2014, 12:04
Markoid! Your two posts are so funny. I burst out laughing at both of them and I'm still giggling as a I write.:hilarious:

You're not smoking that Mullumbimby madness are you?;)

markoid
14th June 2014, 01:41
I'm glad they were giggle triggers for you Sooz.
No, not smoking the Mullum madness... but I do have some suspect butter in the 'fridge ;)

john parslow
14th June 2014, 10:48
On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new husband and asked For $20.00 for their first lovemaking encounter.

In his highly aroused state, her husband readily agreed. This scenario was repeated each time they made love, for more than 40 years, with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that she needed.

Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state. During the next few minutes, he explained that his employer was going through a process of corporate downsizing, and he had been let go.

It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he'd be able to find another position that paid anywhere near what he'd been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined.

Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which showed more than forty years of steady deposits and interest totaling nearly $1 million. Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued by the bank which was worth over $2 million, and informed him that they were one of the largest depositors in the bank.

She explained that for more than three decades she had 'charged' him for sex, these holdings had multiplied and these were the results of her savings and investments.

Faced with evidence of cash and investments worth over $3 million, her husband was so astounded he could barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out: 'If I'd had any idea what you were doing, I would have given you all my business!'

That's when she shot him.

You know, sometimes, men just don't know when to keep their mouths shut!

Women are like phones: They like to be held, talked to, and touched often. But push the wrong button and your ass is disconnected!

:whstl:

norman
15th June 2014, 03:01
https://fbcdn-sphotos-e-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-xfp1/t1.0-9/10411318_786604178038683_3143432180381038391_n.jpg

markoid
16th June 2014, 01:06
A husband and wife were out shopping, it got boring visiting 100 shoe shops with 50% discount (as it does) so they split to do their own browsing.

A bit later the wife called the husband, "Hey, where are you?"
"Well, you know when we got engaged?"
"Yeah."
"...And I wasn't able to afford a large ring because I didn't have a good job at the time. And you remember how we were looking at rings, and I said that one day I'll buy you that large pink-tinted one?
"Yes." Her hands start trembling as she tries to steady the phone...
"And do you remember that shop I saw that very ring in?"
"Yes!" Tears are now streaming down her cheeks.
"Well I'm in the pub across the road."

Sooz
16th June 2014, 09:27
I'm glad they were giggle triggers for you Sooz.
No, not smoking the Mullum madness... but I do have some suspect butter in the 'fridge ;)

Edit........doesn't matter

Calz
17th June 2014, 13:25
http://capitolhilloutsider.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/03/Putin_Obama_Crimea_Phone_Yeswecan.jpg

Sooz
17th June 2014, 13:39
Got me own recipe for tea now....:)

te he, he, he:tiphat:

markoid
20th June 2014, 07:58
An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.
The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow." The next day the
85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.
The doctor asked, what happened and the man explained.
"Well, doc, it's like this--first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing."
The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?"
The old man replied, "Yep, none of us could get the jar open."

markoid
22nd June 2014, 23:35
When I die, I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.
Not screaming in terror, like his passengers!

skywizard
23rd June 2014, 04:10
HOW TO CATCH A POLAR BEAR
1. Cut a large hole in the ice
2. Sprinkle some peas all around the hole
3. Then when the Bear comes up to take a pea
KICK HIM IN THE ICE HOLE! :hilarious:

Sooz
24th June 2014, 09:47
Skippy the bush kangaroo has come forward today after years of silence......

She says not only did Rolf Harris tie her down but the dirty ******* went on to write a song about it.

(There is a pic that goes with this, showing a haggard old roo with a stubby of beer by her side, lol).

Gotta love Ozzy humour, (or maybe not, lol...):blsh:

Ria
5th July 2014, 07:10
Older Woman on a Cruise

Amazing how your values change as you age!


An elderly lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship
holding her hat tight so that it would not blow away in the wind.
A gentleman approached her and said,
"Pardon me, madam.. I do not intend to be forward but did you know
that your dress is blowing up in this high wind?"

"Yes, I know," said the lady. "I need both my hands to hold onto this hat."

"But madam, you must know that you are not wearing any panties
and your privates are exposed!" said the gentleman in earnest.

The woman looked down, then back up at the man and replied,
"Sir, anything you see down there is 75 years old.
I just bought this hat yesterday!"

john parslow
5th July 2014, 08:13
Ha ha - nice one Ria ... xx

norman
7th July 2014, 04:14
Husband to wife as they emerge from a long session with a marriage guidance
counselor:

"Darling, I love you."
"
There you go again," snapped his wife. "I...I...I...again."

ronin
8th July 2014, 22:20
the man, guide to love and a lasting relationship.

1.find a woman who makes you laugh.

2.find a woman who has a job and loves housework.

3.find a woman who is honest.

4.find a woman who will wait on you hand and foot.

5.find a women who is awesome in bed.

6.most important.it is very important that these women never meet.

ronin
8th July 2014, 22:50
had my first reincarnation memory today.
it was visual and there was speech.
sorry to say i only got a few glimpses,and no i was not a world leader or a higher being.
i was not a philosopher,adventurer or scientist making good of the world.

this is what i got,i hope i am wrong.......

i lurve you long time,only ten dollar,big blue eye GI.

not sure what it means but don,t sound right.

Ria
9th July 2014, 00:23
http://nationalreport.net/fappy-the-dolphin-arrested-for-public-masturbation/
We live in an very odd world.

markoid
21st July 2014, 09:26
A duck walks into a bar and siddles up to the bar and asks the barkeep "You got any sawdust"?
Barkeep says "No, get outta here!"
Next day the duck comes back, waddles up to the bar and asks the barkeep "You got any sawdust"?
"no you stupid bird.. **** off"
Next day the duck comes back, waddles up to the bar and asks the barkeep "You got any sawdust"?
Barkeep loses it "Get out you crazy annoying fecking bird and if you ask me that one more time I'm gonna blow your damn head off!!!
Next day the duck comes back, waddles up to the bar and asks the barkeep "You got any bullets"?
"no" says the barkeep
"You got any sawdust"?

Lord Sidious
21st July 2014, 10:25
this is a story that happened to me about three years ago.

i had on my mobile phone Yoda,s voice saying "message from the darkside there is".
so basically everytime i received a message on the phone,Yoda would say this.

at that time i was invited to a spiritualist church for development within the spiritual circle.
so we are about halfway through the session and guess what.

message from the darkside there is.

well i got dirty disgusted looks of shock and horror.
i was told to turn my phone off because it could cause heart attacks whilst spirits are contacting mediums.

i just thought well the spirits have a sense of humor and know how to use mobile phones.

still makes me chuckle today.thought i would share.:D

Yeah, that's the Manny I remember and love.
Ya nugget.

ronin
21st July 2014, 18:23
Yeah, that's the Manny I remember and love.
Ya nugget.

OI Skippy i was incognito,thanks for that,bloody feel like turning you into a Kangaroo nugget right now.:argue:there,s no emotion for bitchslap.
street creds gonna go downhill for sure:whstl:

norman
22nd July 2014, 01:20
http://i1371.photobucket.com/albums/ag289/mclies2/barcode-progress_zps78697742.jpg

Lord Sidious
22nd July 2014, 02:50
OI Skippy i was incognito,thanks for that,bloody feel like turning you into a Kangaroo nugget right now.:argue:there,s no emotion for bitchslap.
street creds gonna go downhill for sure:whstl:

We already knew, ya nugget.

ronin
22nd July 2014, 19:57
We already knew, ya nugget.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RXKJolS9Atg

BabaRa
23rd July 2014, 19:40
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RI5BrkzCPd4&app=desktop

norman
2nd August 2014, 21:08
http://i1371.photobucket.com/albums/ag289/mclies2/YEArIGHT_zpsf1aa1132.jpg

markoid
3rd August 2014, 02:49
A man entered the bus with both of his front pockets full of golf balls and sat down next to a beautiful (you guessed it) blonde.

The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets.

Finally, after many such glances from her, he said, "It's golf balls".

Nevertheless, the blonde continued to look at him thoughtfully and finally, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer, asked, "Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"

john parslow
14th August 2014, 14:05
How To Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity in retirement.

1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars...watch 'em Slow Down!

2. On all your cheque stubs, write 'For Marijuana'!

3. Skip down the street Rather Than Walk and see how many looks you get.

4. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.

5. Sing Along At The Opera.

6. When The Money Comes Out of The ATM, Scream 'I Won! I Won!'

7. When Leaving the Zoo, start Running towards the Car Park, Yelling 'Run For Your Lives! They're Loose!'

8. Tell Your Children over dinner: 'Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go...

9.. Pick up a box of condoms at the pharmacy, go to the counter and ask where the fitting room is…

And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity:

10. Go to a large Department stores fitting room and yell out: THERE IS NO TOILET PAPER IN HERE! :whstl:

markoid
21st August 2014, 01:07
-after i read about the dangers of drinking, i quit reading...-

Ria
12th September 2014, 14:53
Naughty naughty........................:scrhd:

http://worldnewsdailyreport.com/britain-woman-claims-to-bear-child-of-prince-harry/

Spiral
4th October 2014, 19:47
On large craft cloaked in low orbit;

"They're made out of meat."

"Meat?"

"Meat. They're made out of meat."

"Meat?"

"There's no doubt about it. We picked up several from different parts of the planet, took them aboard our recon vessels, and probed them all the way through. They're completely meat."

"That's impossible. What about the radio signals? The messages to the stars?"

"They use the radio waves to talk, but the signals don't come from them. The signals come from machines."

"So who made the machines? That's who we want to contact."

"They made the machines. That's what I'm trying to tell you. Meat made the machines."

"That's ridiculous. How can meat make a machine? You're asking me to believe in sentient meat."

"I'm not asking you, I'm telling you. These creatures are the only sentient race in that sector and they're made out of meat."

"Maybe they're like the orfolei. You know, a carbon-based intelligence that goes through a meat stage."

"Nope. They're born meat and they die meat. We studied them for several of their life spans, which didn't take long. Do you have any idea what's the life span of meat?"

"Spare me. Okay, maybe they're only part meat. You know, like the weddilei. A meat head with an electron plasma brain inside."

"Nope. We thought of that, since they do have meat heads, like the weddilei. But I told you, we probed them. They're meat all the way through."

"No brain?"

"Oh, there's a brain all right. It's just that the brain is made out of meat! That's what I've been trying to tell you."

"So ... what does the thinking?"

"You're not understanding, are you? You're refusing to deal with what I'm telling you. The brain does the thinking. The meat."

"Thinking meat! You're asking me to believe in thinking meat!"

"Yes, thinking meat! Conscious meat! Loving meat. Dreaming meat. The meat is the whole deal! Are you beginning to get the picture or do I have to start all over?"

"Omigod. You're serious then. They're made out of meat."

"Thank you. Finally. Yes. They are indeed made out of meat. And they've been trying to get in touch with us for almost a hundred of their years."

"Omigod. So what does this meat have in mind?"

"First it wants to talk to us. Then I imagine it wants to explore the Universe, contact other sentiences, swap ideas and information. The usual."

"We're supposed to talk to meat."

"That's the idea. That's the message they're sending out by radio. 'Hello. Anyone out there. Anybody home.' That sort of thing."

"They actually do talk, then. They use words, ideas, concepts?"
"Oh, yes. Except they do it with meat."

"I thought you just told me they used radio."

"They do, but what do you think is on the radio? Meat sounds. You know how when you slap or flap meat, it makes a noise? They talk by flapping their meat at each other. They can even sing by squirting air through their meat."

"Omigod. Singing meat. This is altogether too much. So what do you advise?"

"Officially or unofficially?"

"Both."

"Officially, we are required to contact, welcome and log in any and all sentient races or multibeings in this quadrant of the Universe, without prejudice, fear or favor. Unofficially, I advise that we erase the records and forget the whole thing."

"I was hoping you would say that."

"It seems harsh, but there is a limit. Do we really want to make contact with meat?"

"I agree one hundred percent. What's there to say? 'Hello, meat. How's it going?' But will this work? How many planets are we dealing with here?"

"Just one. They can travel to other planets in special meat containers, but they can't live on them. And being meat, they can only travel through C space. Which limits them to the speed of light and makes the possibility of their ever making contact pretty slim. Infinitesimal, in fact."

"So we just pretend there's no one home in the Universe."

"That's it."

"Cruel. But you said it yourself, who wants to meet meat? And the ones who have been aboard our vessels, the ones you probed? You're sure they won't remember?"

"They'll be considered crackpots if they do. We went into their heads and smoothed out their meat so that we're just a dream to them."

"A dream to meat! How strangely appropriate, that we should be meat's dream."

"And we marked the entire sector unoccupied."

"Good. Agreed, officially and unofficially. Case closed. Any others? Anyone interesting on that side of the galaxy?"

"Yes, a rather shy but sweet hydrogen core cluster intelligence in a class nine star in G445 zone. Was in contact two galactic rotations ago, wants to be friendly again."

"They always come around."

"And why not? Imagine how unbearably, how unutterably cold the Universe would be if one were all alone ..."

norman
1st November 2014, 23:39
http://www.tickld.com/cdn_image_article/a_987_20141026110142.jpg

norman
8th December 2014, 16:50
Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant.

While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation.

Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough.

After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress.

One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, Kin ya swallar?'

The woman shakes her head no. Then he asks, 'Kin ya breathe?'

The woman begins to turn blue, and shakes her head no.

The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers, and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.

The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm, and the obstruction flies out of her mouth.As she begins to breathe again.

The Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table. His partner says,

'Ye know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I ain't niver seed nobody do it!'

Sooz
9th December 2014, 10:12
On large craft cloaked in low orbit;

"They're made out of meat."

"Meat?"

"Meat. They're made out of meat."

"Meat?"

"There's no doubt about it. We picked up several from different parts of the planet, took them aboard our recon vessels, and probed them all the way through. They're completely meat."

"That's impossible. What about the radio signals? The messages to the stars?"

"They use the radio waves to talk, but the signals don't come from them. The signals come from machines."

"So who made the machines? That's who we want to contact."

"They made the machines. That's what I'm trying to tell you. Meat made the machines."

"That's ridiculous. How can meat make a machine? You're asking me to believe in sentient meat."

"I'm not asking you, I'm telling you. These creatures are the only sentient race in that sector and they're made out of meat."

"Maybe they're like the orfolei. You know, a carbon-based intelligence that goes through a meat stage."

"Nope. They're born meat and they die meat. We studied them for several of their life spans, which didn't take long. Do you have any idea what's the life span of meat?"

"Spare me. Okay, maybe they're only part meat. You know, like the weddilei. A meat head with an electron plasma brain inside."

"Nope. We thought of that, since they do have meat heads, like the weddilei. But I told you, we probed them. They're meat all the way through."

"No brain?"

"Oh, there's a brain all right. It's just that the brain is made out of meat! That's what I've been trying to tell you."

"So ... what does the thinking?"

"You're not understanding, are you? You're refusing to deal with what I'm telling you. The brain does the thinking. The meat."

"Thinking meat! You're asking me to believe in thinking meat!"

"Yes, thinking meat! Conscious meat! Loving meat. Dreaming meat. The meat is the whole deal! Are you beginning to get the picture or do I have to start all over?"

"Omigod. You're serious then. They're made out of meat."

"Thank you. Finally. Yes. They are indeed made out of meat. And they've been trying to get in touch with us for almost a hundred of their years."

"Omigod. So what does this meat have in mind?"

"First it wants to talk to us. Then I imagine it wants to explore the Universe, contact other sentiences, swap ideas and information. The usual."

"We're supposed to talk to meat."

"That's the idea. That's the message they're sending out by radio. 'Hello. Anyone out there. Anybody home.' That sort of thing."

"They actually do talk, then. They use words, ideas, concepts?"
"Oh, yes. Except they do it with meat."

"I thought you just told me they used radio."

"They do, but what do you think is on the radio? Meat sounds. You know how when you slap or flap meat, it makes a noise? They talk by flapping their meat at each other. They can even sing by squirting air through their meat."

"Omigod. Singing meat. This is altogether too much. So what do you advise?"

"Officially or unofficially?"

"Both."

"Officially, we are required to contact, welcome and log in any and all sentient races or multibeings in this quadrant of the Universe, without prejudice, fear or favor. Unofficially, I advise that we erase the records and forget the whole thing."

"I was hoping you would say that."

"It seems harsh, but there is a limit. Do we really want to make contact with meat?"

"I agree one hundred percent. What's there to say? 'Hello, meat. How's it going?' But will this work? How many planets are we dealing with here?"

"Just one. They can travel to other planets in special meat containers, but they can't live on them. And being meat, they can only travel through C space. Which limits them to the speed of light and makes the possibility of their ever making contact pretty slim. Infinitesimal, in fact."

"So we just pretend there's no one home in the Universe."

"That's it."

"Cruel. But you said it yourself, who wants to meet meat? And the ones who have been aboard our vessels, the ones you probed? You're sure they won't remember?"

"They'll be considered crackpots if they do. We went into their heads and smoothed out their meat so that we're just a dream to them."

"A dream to meat! How strangely appropriate, that we should be meat's dream."

"And we marked the entire sector unoccupied."

"Good. Agreed, officially and unofficially. Case closed. Any others? Anyone interesting on that side of the galaxy?"

"Yes, a rather shy but sweet hydrogen core cluster intelligence in a class nine star in G445 zone. Was in contact two galactic rotations ago, wants to be friendly again."

"They always come around."

"And why not? Imagine how unbearably, how unutterably cold the Universe would be if one were all alone ..."


I just HAD to repost this again. I read it the first time around and was amused, but just read it again. It's bloody hilarious! Chuckling here....

Sooz
9th December 2014, 10:16
Oh Norman, I'm laughing out loud here at that one....I think the neighbours think something's up.

I don't know (I can hardly type), but something has tickled my funny bone tonight. Oh dear....

Edit: ****, I forgot to reply with quote. Post no. #156

Calabash
9th December 2014, 22:01
http://lowres.cartoonstock.com/seasonal-celebrations-photocopier-practical_joke-drunken_behaviour-drunk-christmas_parties-jwhn18_low.jpg

norman
9th December 2014, 22:18
http://files.abovetopsecret.com/images/member/d6c8021379ce.jpg

Spiral
10th December 2014, 21:56
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GaADRP6PHv0

Catsquotl
13th December 2014, 14:35
HsvyjePPFRs

WIth Love
Eelco

Moonlight
13th December 2014, 16:42
HaHaHa ! I just love the Grinch. :grin:

norman
26th January 2015, 19:46
https://scontent-a-lhr.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xap1/v/t1.0-9/10371375_560001907441618_6770025039872331656_n.png ?oh=e2b969c69707a09e2fc0ced667ede427&oe=552615F9

Spiral
26th January 2015, 20:41
http://blog-data.publ.com/blog/wp-content/uploads/2014/09/snail-mail-email-explained.jpg

Ria
26th January 2015, 21:22
HsvyjePPFRs

WIth Love
Eelco

I've been on seminars where people do this............................I now give them all a wide birth.

Hermit
26th January 2015, 22:40
I just HAD to repost this again. I read it the first time around and was amused, but just read it again. It's bloody hilarious! Chuckling here....


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7tScAyNaRdQ

It was a required video in my philosophy of mind class last semester. ;)

Elbie
16th February 2015, 01:26
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-xa4Ldjs42Y&index=43&list=RDVg3hbbms-48

.

norman
5th April 2015, 01:39
https://fbcdn-sphotos-g-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-xpa1/v/t1.0-9/11071413_1552075665052351_1310389536276460284_n.jp g?oh=ce77ffb17ea74ac42f4002da87b362df&oe=55ABA6DA&__gda__=1437579952_69073d7906a16c08a6a3b6eb39d6551 1

john parslow
5th April 2015, 10:36
RETIREMENT BONUS

The Navy found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered for Retirement a bonus of $1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any Two points in his body.. The officer got to choose what those two points would be.

The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of $72,000.

The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked Out with $96,000.

The third one was a non-commissioned officer, a grizzly old Chief who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied, 'From the tip of my weenie to my testicles.'

It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider, explaining about the nice big checks the previous two Officers had received.

But the old Chief insisted and they decided to go along with him providing the measurement was taken by a Medical Officer.

The Medical Officer arrived and instructed the Chief to 'drop 'em,' which he did. The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Chief's weenie and began to work back.

"Dear Lord!", he suddenly exclaimed,''Where are your testicles?''

The old Chief calmly replied, '' Vietnam.''

... :whstl:

Catsquotl
16th April 2015, 10:50
Don't you just hate it when you give someone a sincere compliment about their moustache and then suddenly she's not your friend anymore?

With Love
Eelco

Catsquotl
16th April 2015, 18:38
From the rules for buddhist monks..
I nearly fell of my stool laughing so hard..



60. Should any bhikkhu hide (another) bhikkhu's bowl, robe, sitting cloth, needle box, or belt — or have it hidden — even as a joke, it is to be confessed.


I reckon they had some problems with this in the early days.. So a rule for it was needed.

With Love
Eelco

Jano
17th April 2015, 00:23
https://encrypted-tbn2.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcSBQUuGURfrU6nhvYgwZsUL_5pFJhgz5 u3YhEHVWdlBNg4Mh1sikQ

Jano
17th April 2015, 00:27
https://encrypted-tbn2.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcQfNdQCJWKnOqLLLjRW_nW4rLof15zOp Dc_MRmOycEIKONJWj3OHw

Ria
23rd April 2015, 10:57
image1.jpeg

image1.jpeg

Daozen
23rd April 2015, 11:15
What's the difference between Mussonlini and a lead guitarist?

You can negotiate with Mussolini.

Dreamtimer
23rd April 2015, 11:19
My wife has beautiful long black hair. Fortunately she wears gloves to cover it.

A wife asked her husband, "Does this dress make me look fat?" He replied, "I don't know. Let me run around back and have a look."

A farmer from way out west in Ireland had to go to town one day for some nails. He was very cautious, didn't like being around too many people. He went into a shop and found an old, framed mirror. He looked in it. "Oh," he said, "A picture of my father." So he got the mirror and took it home. On the way he remembered that his wife didn't like his father so he hung the mirror in the shed. Each night he would go in, look at his father and say goodnight. His wife became suspicious. One day, while he was out in the field she went into the shed and looked around. She found the mirror and looked in it and said, "Ahah! So that's the ugly witch he's been seein' behind my back!"

(I'll come back with some good 'man' jokes)

Truthseeker85
28th April 2015, 11:58
A bit of Aussie humour. :)




https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5a39fS-82HE

Dreamtimer
29th April 2015, 08:13
Lawyer jokes anyone?

How do you know a lawyer's lying? His/her lips are moving.

Why don't sharks eat lawyers? Professional courtesy.

Dreamtimer
29th April 2015, 08:24
We totally called them thongs when we were kids. They didn't become flip flops until the high school years.

Thong, g string, tang, don't care what you call it. Don't wear 'em. Uncomfortable. (tmi?)

Carl Barron...funny. Didn't know him. Reminds me of Seamus Kennedy. He's also really good with the sound effects. He's an Irishman from Belfast who sings, plays, guitar, yodels (not annoyingly), does Cinderella w/spoonerisms and Victor Borge sound effects, and more!

Gemma
29th April 2015, 11:37
Ah Carl Barron . . . just love him . . . thanks for the wonderful reminder which has prompted me to get some of his vids as a friend and I were only recently talking about getting another dose of him next time she comes to stay :)

Dreamtimer
1st May 2015, 22:26
Heck is the place where people go who don't believe in Gosh.

Dreamtimer
2nd May 2015, 23:02
What did the snail say when it was riding the turtle?

Wheeeeeee!

modwiz
2nd May 2015, 23:29
Why do nuns become nuns? Because they don't want none.

Dreamtimer
3rd May 2015, 00:05
What kind of meat do priests eat on Friday? See above.

modwiz
3rd May 2015, 00:29
What kind of meat do priests eat on Friday? See above.

Now that was a segue! Well done.:)

Daozen
3rd May 2015, 01:55
What's the difference between God and a Trumpet player?

God knows he's not a trumpet player.

modwiz
3rd May 2015, 01:57
What's the difference between God and Trumpet player?

God knows he's not a trumpet player.

I prefer strumpets myself:)

Daozen
4th May 2015, 22:15
Q: How does a lead guitarist change a light bulb?
A: He holds it and the world revolves around him.

What’s the difference between a rock guitarist and a jazz guitarist? A rock guitarist learns 3 chords, practices for 3 months and plays to a crowd of 30,000 people. A jazz guitarist learns 30,000 chords, practices for 30 years, and plays to a crowd of 3 people.

Healthy Skeptic
5th May 2015, 10:55
I have to be very quick here or I will get into a 'Lot of Trouble'.

Q: What do you call the 'Useless' piece of Skin at the end of a Man's 'Private Member'??
A: A MAN!!!

With Love, See You Soon (I hope), HS

Dreamtimer
5th May 2015, 14:54
Modwiz, does that mean you're a Strumpeteer?